Football terminology

A

Away! – command that has to be shouted at the defending team whenever a corner is taken. Otherwise they become confused and attempt to head the ball into their own goal.

B

Barton – (applying to managers, chairmen) When you are the bigger idiot for ever thinking it was going to behave itself in the first place.

Bitrate – The rate at which people are bitten by Luis Suarez

Bottling – A technique specialised by north London football clubs where in defeat will be snatched from the jaws of victory.

C

Carrickfergus – Town just north of Belfast with a stupid name that makes it sound like it was founded by a drunk Manchester United fan (which it probably was).

Carroll (Andy) – To be praised at length for an act of complete uselessness. e.g. heading the ball out of play for a throw in, being marked at a free kick, almost passing the ball to a team-mate, etc.

Chelsea Football Club – A symbolic reference of everything that’s wrong with football and the world in general.

D

Drogba – type of limpish walk a player does when he’s not injured at all but wants everyone to think he is anyway.

Double Troll-in – The same as a Troll-in, except the player you give the ball to then does exactly the same thing.

E

Continental style – Phrase used by English commentators to describe a team or player who actually knows how to pass a football.

F

False nine – A position on a football pitch which no one understands what it is.

False winger – A winger who plays on the wing except that they don’t, except that they do

Face-time – Cunning trick employed by the devil and ITV camera directors where by a close up of a player or manager’s face will be shown at needless length to the watching TV audience, whilst the game is going on.

Fan-time – Almost identical to Face time, except the camera may cut to a clip of a fan or multiple fans instead.

Fergie-time – 1) Fictional myth theorising that Sir Alex Ferguson is able to dictate the amount of time added on to the end of games by pointing at his watch.

3) (31 minutes) Measurement for the minimum amount of time during a televised United home game for which Sir Alex Ferguson’s face must be shown instead of the actual game.

Fletcher – A severe weight loss disease contracted because an unidentified Brazilian team-mate keeps eating all of your meals when you’re not looking.

Fury-time – The process of double barreling a Face-time into a Fan-time, or vice versa, causing the television audience to miss a significant chunk of live play and contemplate putting their foot through the television.

G

Gerrard – A sort of passive aggressive version of a 1-2, where in the ball will be passed to a team mate with such ferocity, they have no choice but to helplessly deflect it back into the path of your run.

Gervinho – (skill) the ability to uncreate a clear goal scoring opportunity

Goalscorn – Term once coined by my mum, believed to have been used to enquire as to the latest score in the football upon returning home drunk from a friend’s house (“hyiya!! So, sssthere been an goalscorn?”, “huh?”, “Goalscorn!!?!”, “er, it’s 2-0”)

H

Hargreaves – To spend the entirety of your playing career getting injured recovering from the injury you picked up whilst recovering from the injury you picked up before that.

He is human – Tiresome saying muttered by commentators whenever Lionel Messi is tackled or on the increasingly frequent occasions when Paul Scholes passes the ball to someone on the other team.

Hernandez – (verb, to do) 1) To score against Chelsea

2) To be caught Inzaghi in open play five or more times during a single half of football

Heskey – The process by which a player becomes so useless, they end up becoming undroppable due to being repeatedly praised out of pity by managers, fans and pundits alike.

I

inho – Suffix applied to the end of a player or manager’s name, used to indicate that they are not only very talented, but also an insufferable cheating twat.

Invincibles – Name for an undefeatable team who are defeated a number of times throughout the course of the season.

Inzaghi – 1) (rule, association football) A player is Inzaghi when he is nearer to the opposition goal than both the ball and second last opponent at the moment the ball is played.

2) The act of being a cheat

J

K

Kalouda – When you can’t be bothered to acknowledge that Kalou and Malouda aren’t the same person anymore

Kewell-over – (skill) A slower, robotic looking version of the step-over which Harry Kewell started to perform against Manchester United back on the 20th September 2004, and is still to this day in the process of completing

Krull – turning up at opposition grounds and then taking goal kicks in your own time, despite the protestations and increasing threats of violence from those sat in the home stand behind the goal.

L

Long-range pass – Where in rather than aimlessly hoofing it out of play, a player will carefully look up and measure the ball and its intended target, before booting it up the pitch and directly off for a goal kick.

M

Maldini – A curious unwritten football rule, where in only the fullbacks on either side of the pitch are allowed to take throw-ins during a game. There are no exceptions to this rule…even if the fullback is a full 50 yards away, while another player stands with the ball readily in his hands.

Mexican wave – 1) Arm waving thing the crowd start doing after about 20 minutes of any world cup game, causing the commentators to remark that it proves how uneventful the game has been thus far, even if it’s already 4-3.

2) That weird thing that happens the season after a world cup where a wave of players from a certain country all turn up playing in the Premier League, even though most of them are quite obviously not very good.

Miller – Mythological creature who the elders prophesise will one day replace Roy Keane

Milner – To be so average at everything no one actually knows you exist except when wondering why you exisit.

Moral Victory – The act of winning a game of football by losing a game of football. The game is proclaimed as being a “moral victory” in spite of defeat for one of the following reasons: a) during the course of the game, the referee correctly sends off one of your players, b) You played well in one half of the game meaning the half in which you were so terrible you still ended up losing anyway doesn’t actually count, c) You were the 3rd most played with team on EA Sports FIFA 2012 according to an independent survey.

N

O

Obertan – A previously unknown player appears on the pitch who resembles something that isn’t actually human at all.

O’Shea – to make a career for yourself at a top-level football club by being equally useless in every single position on the pitch. Although you are invariably more useless than any player who plays in an actual position, you are slightly less useless than someone who doesn’t play in that position. You therefore end up starting 20+ games a year since your club relies on the fitness of players like Owen Hargreaves and Luis Saha. See also Utility player

P

Palacios – To find a member of the opposition team with a pass, when it seemed impossible to do so

Parker – To make yourself look heroic by running around doing everything except for the actual job you’ve been put in the team to do. Can also be used to describe someone who spends the entire game constantly trying to get back into position, but never quite actually getting there.

Playing it safe – The act of over precautiously playing it out for a throw, in a situation where the throw itself presents a more dangerous situation than the one you had the ball in when deciding to play it out for a throw.

Pulis – The process of complaining furiously about other team’s players diving, while your main tactic to win games is instructing your players to fall over and win freekicks.

R

Rafael – To defend by attacking everything

S

Saha – Didier Drogba if he actually was injured all the time, instead of just pretending to be.

Silvestre – One who’s head is shaped even more like a kidney than an actual kidney. Can also be used to describe a doomed diagonal ball across the pitch, or what Gabriel Obertan used to look like before his face was stretched.

Small-time – Claiming the reason you lost 4-0 at Old Trafford was because “you never get those at the Stretford End”; “Song 2” by Blur plays whenever you score during a home game; Majority of home fans only turn up when they’re interested in watching the away team; You are Wigan Athletic, etc.

Smiling – Something that apparently Mario Balotelli, and only Mario Balotelli, doesn’t do enough

Step-over – (skill) Pointless manouvre performed by footballers where in they’ll step over the ball repeatedly while the defender stands there watching them and then takes the ball away. See also Kewell-over

Step-on – (skill) Like a step-over, except instead of stepping over the ball, Steven Gerrard steps on to your leg.

Su’agaol – A goal either scored, or being described by Frank Lampard

Suarez – to racially abuse an opposition player, and then claim you only did it to let him know that he’s your mate.

Svengland – The name for a traditional international football fixture. At least once in every football calendar year, England must play against Sweden. This game should almost invariably have no actual point or meaning, and nearly always end in a draw. The only known purpose of the game is to allow Andy Townsend to spend its entirety questioning the abilities of Zlatan Ibrahimovic, whilst simultaneously praising Zlatan’s useless, English half-brother, Andy Carroll.

T

Terry – To racially abuse an opposition player, and then claim you were only racially abusing him to tell him that you weren’t racially abusing him.

Tevez – 1) To carry on playing for your club side despite being visibly too fat and out of shape to be playing top flight football

2) To carry on playing for your club side despite any number of extremely valid reasons why you should definitely not be allowed to play for them ever again (fucking off home to South America in the middle of a season; inability to show basic respect to management; manager stating repeatedly that you’ll never play for club side again; publicly refusing to play for your club side ever again, etc.)

Troll-in – The process of picking the ball up as if to take a throw in, and then instead of taking it, twirling the ball behind the back of your head, then dummying to take it, then twirling the ball behind your head a bit more, then giving it to someone else to take the throw in instead, thus infuriating everyone in the entire ground (see also Maldini, Double troll-in).

U

Utility player – A player who removes themselves from having a position they can play, in order to prevent their club from being able to sell them to another team. See also O’Shea

V

Violent conduct – To push someone harmlessly, slap them gently, or push your head or chest towards them in a very slightly aggressive way.

Z

Zonal passing – To pass the ball to an area of the pitch in the hope a team-mate might be there, instead of passing the ball directly to a team-mate. “great ball from Gerrard there, unlucky”

Numbers

2-0 – The score at which Manchester United either stop or start bothering to play football in most games.

+4 – Standard amount of time added on to the end of any game where one team is winning by a single goal, regardless of the amount of time the ball has actually been in play. Upon the fourth official holding up the board to indicate the +4 minutes, commentators will often act surprised, as if this is an unprecedented amount of time to be added on to the end of a game. A surging roar will also be heard from the crowd for some reason.