So, I’m bored. I’m half awake, and I’m sitting on a train in the middle of nowhere at some unreasonable time in the morning, listening to a man opposite me have a unenjoyably serious phone conversation with his other half (his contribution seems to be limited to the word “sorry”). I’ve decided in this moment of infinite wisdom to start keeping a log of all the things that make my and everyone elses life an endless struggle against the impossible. When I die this log will be passed on to my siblings as a warning of what’s to come. Here’s a convenient list of 10 things to get started with (again):
Giving eligible, coherent and correct directions to a passing motorist – There are three different methods of responding to a request from a lost motorist to tell them how to get to somewhere. The first is to simply claim that you “don’t know” or have “never heard of it”. This can either be the truth or a complete lie, and in either case is the safest and most cowardly option. The second is to try to explain the directions to them. Upon doing this, you’ll realise shortly into your explanation that even though you know exactly where the place in question is, you actually have no idea how to explain where it is. This results in you passing on a confuddled blurb of instructions and unrelated arm movements that leaves the motorist slightly scared and wishing they’d never encountered you in the first place. You then watch as they drive off and turn the wrong way at the roundabout. The third option is to just make some directions up. This is similar to the second option, but avoids the gradual and painful deterioration of self-confidence and tricks the motorist into thinking you know exactly what you’re on about. You then watch as they drive off and turn the wrong way at the roundabout (and change your walking route in case they realise what you’ve done and come back).
Getting the answer to a question right when watching University Challenge – Most game shows provide vague levels of entertainment when bored, as you can sit there, occasionally getting an obvious question right and then unjustifiably acting all smug about it (this effect is amplified when you successfully work out one of the easier maths puzzles on Countdown). University Challenge however ups the game. With University Challenge, the achievement is to understand what the fucking hell the question is even on about in the first place (e.g. Who was the first horse shoe-whistler of the 18th century to accompany Sir Arthur Lowdwich on his journey to Dorset?). By the time you’ve decided not to even bother, some weird faced student has already answered and been subsequently patronised by Jeremy Paxman, despite getting the answer right.
Winning a round of “Barrier Risk” – The unavoidable cat and mouse game played on a daily basis with the train barriers outside Grays train station. Upon discovering the barriers to be closed, you must decide whether to a) start walking up the stair bridge, only for the barriers to mysteriously open when you’re half way across, despite no train having passed, in the process making you look a complete retard, or b) wait patiently for the barriers to open, only for them to remain closed for a full 10 minutes, at which point you may consider reverting to method a. To win the game is to find a third option which doesn’t revert back to option b (and ultimately option a), or turn you into the reason those adverts come on telling people not to fuck around with train barriers. As yet no one has achieved this.
Knowing when’s appropriate to put an x at the end of a text to a girl – A problem only encountered by men, and usually only reaching a level of conscious concern when encountered with girls who they sort of fancy, but don’t quite fancy enough (or appropriately enough) for it to be known or “open” that they fancy them. This results in a form of mild panic or brain confusion when sending or replying to a text, as removing the x can leave the text resembling a cold, blunt wall of unemotional rudeness, whilst leaving it in looks far too endearing and somehow slightly pervy. My current personal method is to mix things up by sometimes substituting the x for a unnecesarry and grammatically inappropriate explanation mark, or a smiley face. This maintains the sense of friendliness, however if overdone can exceed friendliness and instead make it too obvious that I’m a bit of a nutter. The x sometimes therefore still needs to be deployed. This is also a work-around method as opposed to an actual solution, designed merely to leave the girl too confused as to whether I’m a nutter or just fancy her to safely presume either.
Avoiding pre-Mavis Enderby Syndrome (reference “The Meaning of Liff”; Douglas Adams, John Lloyd) – This is a phenomenon I’ve only recently discovered, where in a current girlfriend or female acquaintance who may harbour some interest in you, develops a strange, borderline psychopathic tendency to repeatedly enquire as to the situation between you and an ex-girlfriend of yours. Specifically, the ex-girlfriend who you went out with about three times, haven’t spoken to since, whose number you’ve since lost, and in certain cases whose name you’re not even sure how to correctly pronounce. Once this process has been initiated, it is impossible to escape from. For example, responding to inquisitions as to you and her’s situation with “I don’t speak to her anymore” will only result in the follow-up line of questioning…”have you spoken to your ex yet?” Responding to this with “which one?” is also a very unwise move. Responding with “not yet” only results in repeated questioning, while “no” results in badgering, and “yes” is the most unwise answer of all.
Finding a seat on the central line – It had long been a suspicion of mine that Transport for London secretly employ people to just sit around occupying all the seats on every central line train. Then around 18 months ago, my suspicion was confirmed, when TFL finally admitted they’d been paying people money to sit on Underground trains and tell them what it was like (link: http://www.standard.co.uk/news/1m-bill-for-fake-passengers-to-tell-tube-chiefs-about-service-6561473.html)…presumably none of the actual passengers could tell them, due to never being able to get a bloody seat. The current wave of modern “artistic” design engulfing London will also soon result in all central line trains being equipped with seats dangling upside down from the ceiling, whilst wearing sunglasses. As a result Piers Morgan will be the only person in the world able to sit down on the Central Line, due to his head and his arse being the same thing.
Changing the lightbulb in my bathroom – Not only is this task impossible, but it’s impossible for any number of reasons, most of which I shall now list
– The casing around the light is circular shaped and held in place by three separate, tightly sealed screws. These screws have no indent on them, meaning no screwdriver or carefully angled knife can possibly hope to ever unscrew them.
– The size of the light and casing itself doesn’t exist at any known bathroom light selling store, warehouse, or dodgy corner shop. There is a light casing at QD’s vaguely resembling it, but this comes without the bulb, rendering it little use to me as anything other than a make shift cereal bowl or anti mind reading hat.
– Curiously, I have nothing in my flat to stand on which allows me to even reach where the light is positioned
– The only time I actually remember I need to change the lightbulb in my bathroom, is when I try to turn it on due to it being too dark to see. I then can’t attempt to change it due to it being too dark to see.
– Fear that if I put the new bulb in, it’ll turn out the switch is already on and my hands will be momentarily and mildly burnt.
Filling out a Debt Recovery claim form at work – Things start to go downhill upon noticing the first question on the form is “have you filled out this form correctly?” Aside from the rather obvious conundrum of you not having actually filled out the form at all yet, this question only allows for a yes or no answer, missing out the correct third option which would read something like “I believe so, but will be told otherwise when you return it to me in three weeks time because I didn’t include my exact time of birth in the life history section”. Things progress from confusion to unquenchable fury from this point onwards, as you’re asked to supply cost codes, VAT exemption certificates, back up statements from third parties, and all manner of personal information that you yourself forgot many years ago…before realising some months later that it was a different form you needed to fill out in the first place.
Booking a window seat on Virgin trains and actually being given a seat with a window next to it – In Virgin train language, “window seat” actually translates as “that one seat in the entire carriage with a bit of wall next to it where the window should be”. It must also, always be directly adjacent to the noisiest, most drunk group of people on the entire train.
Replicating overstonishment – the trait of a peculiar breed of bald-headed old man (who seem to exist everywhere) who have been be stilled with the ability to become visibly astounded by entirely unastounding things. For example, the time on their watch, or a bus arriving at a bus stop. It has become a curious ploy of mine to try to copy this amusing but ultimately entirely pointless habit, by acting overly confused and shocked at things that merely slightly puzzle me. However, I’ve discovered that no matter how shocked and utterly befuddled you try to make yourself look, you never achieve anything beyond the half convincing look of regular bemusement or dumbfoundedness, which instead of making you look “overstonished”, just makes you look like a moron.
Fear me Christmas 
excellent