Things I would do to improve the world

I’m stuck bored on a train again, trying to pretend not to be slightly irritated by the sheer amount of people who seem unable to just sit in their seats instead of wandering up and down the carriages for no apparent reason. So as is customary, I’ve got my laptop out to whinge about stuff on the internet. This time though, instead of writing a load of gibberish, or trying to be funny about football, I’ve thought of some ways to improve all of our lives drastically, forever…and because I’ so kind I’m sharing them with all of you (hello Michael). Read them, spread the word, demand action from the government, and make it become reality!

 

Old people day – There’s a rule about getting old, that states “as you get older, you get better at wasting time”. Not merely your own time though, everyone else’s time. This is achieved by wondering down to the local supermarket to stand around in the most obstructive place possible, paying for everything with 1p and 2p coins, writing complaints into the BBC about the moral quality of their programming, driving too slowly, or getting the bus into town en mass during busy hours, just because you can. It’s estimated that the average person wastes 372 hours of their youth waiting for old people to get out of the way, before then extracting revenge on the next younger generation when they themselves go grey of the hair. So how to remove this menace on society? …Many hairdressers have already jumped the gun, by assigning a day of the week on which old people are allowed to get their hair cut. I propose the same concept…old people day, during which old people, and only old people, are allowed to do their shopping, mither around at the post office, bore the till assistant at their local bank branch with their astonishingly uninteresting life story, and do whatever else they see fit. Supermarket shelves would be stocked with additional amounts of rich tea biscuits and Werther’s Originals, while buses would be equipped with both the standard “Stop” and additional “Slow Down” button next to each seat. This day would obviously have to be a Thursday, since this is invariably the day of the week when everyone else is at the end of their tether and would rather just sit indoors feeling miserable about themselves anyway. During non Thursday days, anti old people patrols would monitor the streets, gathering up anyone caught being old, or taking too long to do things, and taking them to the bingo.

 

Make it possible for people to buy normal looking shirts – As a relatively sane person who likes the clothes he wears not to make him look like some kind of complete cunt, I find it impossible to buy new shirts. There are four main categories of shirt; 1) Shirts with idiotic pictures or slogans on them. These are mostly worn by insecure sociapaths…the exact kind of people I try to avoid talking to at parties, 2) Shirts with strange shaped collars which seem to expose half of your chest in this weird v-shape. I don’t know who wears these. I imagine mostly ugly posing teenage boys with greasy hair 3) Smart looking shirts which are ruined by having a weird looking pocket, logo, or shoulder pad type deal going on, rendering them unacceptable to be worn by anyone except murderers and Adolf Hitler, 4) Shirts that look exactly the same as the one I’m already wearing, and on closer inspection, are the same as the one I’m already wearing. I propose that the third category of these is simply adapted, with the offending shoulder pads/pocket areas/other daft items removed, allowing enough normal looking shirts for everyone to easily acquire them as and when required, whilst the weirdos would still remain easily identifiable by being allowed to go around sporting their “chicks love the shaggin wagon” top.

 

No more ties – What is a tie? What does it actually do? If someone bought you a scarf that was too thin to keep you warm, you’d toss it in the bin. If they tell you instead that it’s a tie, you keep it and sling it around you like some kind of neck penis when you want to look important. People are morons. Try to figure out what’s worse, the person who invented the idea of a tie, or the fact that people actually listened to them and decided it wasn’t a stupid idea.

 

Shoe shops – This is a relatively simple improvement. From now on, shops selling shoes (in particular running or sports footwear) will be required to actually stock footwear in the sizes people are likely to want to buy it in, as opposed to just stocking everything in size 2 and 17 and then putting normal sized shoes on display to waste everyone’s f*cking time. Shoes are not suitable to be purchased on the internet, as it is reasonable for a person to want to check whether a shoe is going to destroy their foot before deciding whether they want to wear it every single day.

 

Things to actually mean what they say – Remember when the UN imposed that “no fly zone” over Lybia, and then it turned out that what “no fly zone” actually meant, was that every single UN or American owned warplane in existence would immediately travel out to Lybia and fly around there dropping bombs on things, constantly? Well, no more of this. From now on this would be called a “warzone” or “vastly increased amounts of flying zone”. Similarly, struggling or greedy companies would no longer be able to “grow” their business by cutting half their staff and kettling the remainder into a single dilapidated office outside Wickford. Politicians basically wouldn’t be allowed to say anything. Salespeople would be forced to tell you what they’re actually selling, rather than pretend they’re not trying to sell it, which would be helpful. Relationship problems with your girlfriend would become infinitely easier to resolve. Most importantly though,  British Telecom’s advertising campaign would be reduced to them sporting a single two-word slogan “we’re shit”, avoiding the need for any more of those socially awkward television adverts with the weird student kids.

 

Stupidity tickets – It’s long since been a grievance of mine that there are rules of society  in place and enforced to protect people from their own destructive behaviour towards each other, but fewer (if any) rules in place to protect people from something much more dangerous…their own idiocy. For example, a person with a reserved seat on a train may still rush across the station in some kind of panic striken stupor the second their platform is announced, people wear body warmers and then complain about their arms being too cold, the local Council recently spent £30,000 of publicly donated money erecting a broken glow in the dark boat mast onto a pier…which no member of the public is allowed access to be able to look at. All of these acts have potential consequences; a hurried person in a train station is liable to run over my foot with their travel case, a person with cold arms may become ill and die, someone at the Local Council will have plenty of time to not be able to look at the new boat mast next year when they’re laid off due to lack of available funding. These crimes against evolution are out of control in their endlessness. They should be preventable or failing that, at least punishable. Under my watch an organisation of “stupidity police” would patrol idiot hotspots (train stations, car parks, most of Dagenham, etc.), dishing out fines to anyone caught being an idiot. The severity of the fine would depend on the level of stupidity encountered. For example, parking your car in a way that blocks other cars would result in a lesser fine than being caught purchasing a bag of ice. A fine would be dished out by simply slapping a ticket onto a person’s forehead and then walking off. These police would be self funded and may through their likely profit even solve the current government financial crisis as well as poverty the world over.

 

Piers Morgan made illegal – This one is fairly self-explanatory. Basically Piers Morgan isn’t allowed. Anywhere. Ever. It would not only be legal to murder him on site, it’d be illegal not to.

 

I realise a lot of these are to do with clothes. I find buying clothing to be the single biggest problem in my life. I haven’t even started on coats that don’t keep you warm, or the obsession with suit designers to turn every single suit into a collection of pockets knitted together into some kind of giant sleeved wallet. There will likely be a part 2….

Football terminology

A

Ad-break – Something that occurs on ITV when the team you support is about to score.

Away! – command that has to be shouted at the defending team whenever a corner is taken. Otherwise they become confused and attempt to head the ball into their own goal.

 

B

Baleism - To adopt all of the negative traits of Cristiano Ronaldo (posing, diving, tantrums, selfishness, unjustified Messi comparisons, greasy hair…), but without acquiring any of the positive traits of Cristiano Ronaldo (scoring 50+ goals a season, winning trophies and stuff, not playing for Tottenham, etc.)

Barton – (applying to managers, chairmen) When you are the bigger idiot for ever thinking it was going to behave itself for more than a few weeks in the first place.

Being Liverpool – 1) Uninteresting documentary program on Channel 5

2) (applying to football clubs) To commit an act of supreme PR stupidity, sign a player for five or more times their realistic value, or to constantly find a way to make things worse when it doesn’t any longer seem possible to do so.

Benitez why? – The technical name for the process where a manager begins subbing off all of his best players with 30 minutes to go, even though the score is 1-1 and a win is desperately required.

Big Dunc – To play a game of football by only using your elbows

Bottling – A technique specialised by north London football clubs where in defeat will be snatched from the jaws of victory.

C

Carrickfergus – Town just north of Belfast with a stupid name that makes it sound like it was founded by a drunk Manchester United fan (which it probably was).

Carrolled (Roy) – To be accused of cheating because you didn’t run half the length of the pitch to inform the referee that he just missed the opposition scoring a goal.

Carrolled (Andy) – To be praised at length for an act of complete uselessness. e.g. heading the ball out of play for a throw in, being marked at a free kick, almost passing the ball to a team-mate, etc.

Chelsea Football Club – A symbolic reference of everything that’s wrong with football and the world in general.

Childs -  (applying to pundits, TV presenters) 1) To childs, or in other words, to be thoroughly dislikable and annoying despite being completely inoffensive.

2) To slightly resemble a pumpkin, whilst also being no more informative than one.

Cup final day – The day when everyone used to care that the FA Cup final was on. Now just an annoying day when all the league fixtures get moved or cancelled.

D

Dalmat - A Dalmat is one of those players you’ve never heard of who suddenly turns up at Tottenham Hotspur a month into the season, having been signed from Inter Milan (or somewhere similar) at some point during the summer apparently.

Drog walk – type of limpish walk a player does when he’s not injured at all but wants everyone to think he is anyway.

Double Troll-in – The same as a Troll-in, except the player you give the ball to then does exactly the same thing.

E

Egg Basket – When a team with loads of money inexplicably signs a bunch of shit players on the cheap

Continental style – Phrase used by English commentators to describe a team or player who actually knows how to pass a football.

F

False nine – A position on a football pitch which no one understands what it is.

Face-time – Cunning trick employed by the devil and ITV camera directors where by a close up of a player or manager’s face will be shown at needless length to the watching TV audience, whilst the game is going on.

Fan-time – Almost identical to Face time, except the camera may cut to a clip of a fan or multiple fans instead.

Fergie-time – 1) Fictional myth theorising that Sir Alex Ferguson is able to dictate the amount of time added on to the end of games by pointing relentlessly at his watch.

2) The team line ups have been announced and no one can understand why Frederico Macheda is playing on the left-wing again.

3) (31 minutes) Measurement for the minimum amount of time during a televised United home game for which Sir Alex Ferguson’s face must fall victim to Face-time.

Fletcheritis - A severe weight loss disease contracted because an unidentified Brazilian team-mate keeps eating all of your meals when you’re not looking.

Fury-time – The process of double barreling a Face-time into a Fan-time, or vice versa, causing the television audience to miss a significant chunk of live play and contemplate putting their foot through the television.

G

Gerrard pass – A sort of passive aggressive version of a 1-2, where in the ball will be passed to a team mate with such ferocity, they have no choice but to helplessly deflect it back into the path of your run.

Gervinho – (skill) the ability to uncreate a clear goal scoring opportunity

Gibson – a shot taken from 30 or more yards out whilst off-balance and on your weaker foot, justified to yourself because you scored a goal in the reserves once.

Goalscorn – Term once coined by my mum, believed to have been used to enquire as to the latest score in the football upon returning home drunk from a friend’s house (“hyiya!! So, sssthere been an goalscorn?”, “huh?”, “Goalscorn!!?!”, “er, it’s 2-0″)

H

Hargreaving – To spend the entirety of your playing career getting injured recovering from the injury you picked up whilst recovering from the injury you picked up before that.

He is human – Tiresome saying muttered by commentators whenever Lionel Messi is tackled or on the increasingly frequent occasions when Paul Scholes passes the ball to someone on the other team.

Hernandez – (verb, to do) 1) To score against Chelsea

2) To be caught Inzaghi in open play five or more times during a single half of football

Heskeyed – The process by which a player becomes so useless, they end up becoming undroppable due to being repeatedly Carrolled (Andy) out of pity by managers, fans and pundits alike.

I

inho – Suffix applied to the end of a player or manager’s name, used to indicate that they are not only very talented, but also an insufferable cheating twat.

Invincibles – Name for an undefeatable team who are defeated a number of times throughout the course of the season.

Inzaghi – 1) (rule, association football) A player is Inzaghi when he is nearer to the opposition goal than both the ball and second last opponent at the moment the ball is played.

2) Sound made when you get a question wrong on Shooting Stars

J

Ji Sung – To constantly be falling over when in possession of the ball, regardless of the proximity or contact of opposition players

K

Kalouda – When you can’t be bothered to acknowledge that Kalou and Malouda aren’t the same person anymore

Kewell-over – (skill) A slower, robotic looking version of the step-over which Harry Kewell started to perform against Manchester United back on the 20th September 2004, and is still to this day in the process of completing

Krulling - turning up at opposition grounds and then taking goal kicks in your own time, despite the protestations and increasing threats of violence from those sat in the stand behind the goal. Krulling has generally been successfully achieved to maximum effect once opposition players begin placing the ball on the six yard line at each goal kick for you.

L

Long-range pass – Where in rather than aimlessly hoofing it out of play, a player will carefully look up and measure the ball and its intended target, before booting it up the pitch and directly off for a goal kick. See also zonal passing.

M

Machedaaaaaaa! – When the highlight of your first team career, and your entire first team career, end up being exactly the same thing.

Maldini - A curious unwritten football rule, where in only the fullbacks on either side of the pitch are allowed to take throw-ins during a game. There are no exceptions to this rule…even if the fullback is a full 50 yards away, while another player stands with the ball readily in his hands, and the fullback taking the throw would leave him dangerously exposed positionally, he is still required to take it.

Mexican wave – 1) Arm waving thing the crowd start doing after about 20 minutes of any world cup game, causing the commentators to remark that it proves how uneventful the game has been thus far, even if it’s already 4-3.

2) That weird thing that happens the season after a world cup where a wave of players from a certain country all turn up playing in the Premier League, even though most of them are quite obviously a bit crap.

Miller – Mythological creature who the elders prophesise will one day replace Roy Keane

Milnered – You’ve been put in the starting line up yet again and even you’re not sure why.

Moral Victory – The act of winning a game of football by losing a game of football. The game is proclaimed as being a “moral victory” in spite of defeat for one of the following reasons: a) during the course of the game, the referee correctly sends off one of your players, b) You played well in one half of the game meaning the half in which you were so terrible you still ended up losing anyway doesn’t actually count, c) You were the 3rd most played with team on EA Sports FIFA 2012 according to an independent survey.

N

Naninjury - The type of injury sustained by cocky, over exuberant wingers which involves them lying completely pointlessly on the floor while the opposition attack down their exposed side of the pitch, only for them to make a miraculous full recovery once the ball goes out of play/into the back of their own net.

O

Obertan syndrome – A previously unknown player appears on the pitch who resembles something that isn’t actually human at all.

O’Sheadery - to make a career for yourself at a top-level football club by being equally useless in every single position on the pitch. Although you are invariably more useless than any player who plays in an actual position, you are slightly less useless than someone who doesn’t play in that position. You therefore end up starting 20+ games a year since your club relies on the fitness of players like Owen Hargreaves and Luis Saha. See also Utility player

P

Palacios! – To find a member of the opposition team with a pass, when it seemed impossible to do so

Parker – To make yourself look heroic by running around doing everything except for the actual job you’ve been put in the team to do. Can also be used to describe someone who spends the entire game constantly trying to get back into position, but never quite actually getting there.

Playing it safe – The act of over precautiously playing it out for a throw, in a situation where the throw itself presents a more dangerous situation than the one you had the ball in when deciding to play it out for a throw.

Pulising – The process of complaining furiously about other team’s players diving when they have the ball at their feet, whilst at the same time instructing your players to dive if someone challenges them for a ball that’s in the air.

pulling a Barthez - To pull a Barthez is to commit a goalkeeping error so basic or inexplicably stupid, that at least half the people watching are now convinced you did it on purpose and have just received a large deposit in your bank account courtesy of some bored South American drug lord.

R

Rafael – To defend by attacking everything

Rafail – Your wife TOLD you not to take that list you wrote to the press conference with you.

S

Saha – Didier Drogba if he actually was injured all the time, instead of just pretending to be.

Silvestre – One who’s head is shaped even more like a kidney than an actual kidney. Can also be used to describe a doomed diagonal ball across the pitch, or what Gabriel Obertan used to look like before he was subjected to that torture where two horses pull you in either direction.

Small-timery – The act of proving you’re not really a real football club because you don’t know how to act like one. For example: Claiming the reason you lost 4-0 at Old Trafford was because “you never get those at the Stretford End”; “Song 2″ by Blur plays whenever you score during a home game; Majority of home fans only turn up when they’re interested in watching the away team; You are Wigan Athletic, etc.

Smiling – Something that apparently Mario Balotelli, and only Mario Balotelli, doesn’t do enough

Step-over – (skill) Pointless manouvre performed by stupid footballers where in they’ll step over the ball repeatedly while the defender stands there watching them and then takes the ball away. See also Kewell-over

Step-on – (skill) Like a step-over, except instead of stepping over the ball, Steven Gerrard steps on to your leg.

Su’agaol - A goal either scored, or being described by Frank Lampard

The Suarez – to racially abuse an opposition player, and then claim you only did it to let him know that he’s your mate.

The Svengland - The name for a traditional international football fixture. At least once in every football calendar year, England must play against Sweden. This game should almost invariably have no actual point or meaning, and nearly always end in a draw. The only known purpose of the game is to allow Andy Townsend to spend its entirety questioning the abilities of Zlatan Ibrahimovic, whilst simultaneously praising Zlatan’s useless, English half-brother, Andy Carroll.

Svenning- The method by which a smart, experienced and eloquent manager instantly becomes a fumbling, useless, nervous wreck the second he takes charge of the England football team. This is achieved by the FA strapping him to a chair and then extracting his brain in order to replace it with Howard Wilkinson’s.

T

The Terry – To racially abuse an opposition player, and then claim you were only racially abusing him to tell him that you weren’t racially abusing him.

Tevez – 1) To carry on playing for your club side despite being visibly too fat and out of shape to be playing top flight football

2) To carry on playing for your club side despite any number of extremely valid reasons why you should definitely not be allowed to play for them ever again (fucking off home to South America in the middle of a season; inability to show basic respect to management; manager stating repeatedly that you’ll never play for club side again; publicly refusing to play for your club side ever again, etc.)

Troll-in – The process of picking the ball up as if to take a throw in, and then instead of taking it, twirling the ball behind the back of your head, then dummying to take it, then twirling the ball behind your head a bit more, then giving it to someone else to take the throw in instead, thus infuriating everyone in the entire ground (see also Maldini, Double troll-in).

U

Utility player – A player who removes themselves from having a position they can play, in order to prevent their club from being able to sell them to another team. See also O’Sheadery

V

Violent conduct – To push someone harmlessly, slap them gently, or push your head or chest towards them in a very slightly aggressive way.

Z

Zonal passing – To pass the ball to an area of the pitch in the hope a team-mate might be there, instead of passing the ball directly to a team-mate. e.g. ”great ball from Gerrard there, unlucky”

Numbers

2-0 – The score at which Manchester United either stop or start bothering to play football in most games.

+4 – Standard amount of time added on to the end of any game where one team is winning by a single goal, regardless of the amount of time the ball has actually been in play. Upon the fourth official holding up the board to indicate the +4 minutes, commentators will often act surprised, as if this is an unprecedented amount of time to be added on to the end of a game. A surging roar will also be heard from the crowd for some reason.

More of the most impossible tasks in the world

So, I’m bored. I’m half awake, and I’m sitting on a train in the middle of nowhere at some unreasonable time in the morning, listening to a man opposite me have a unenjoyably serious phone conversation with his other half (his contribution seems to be limited to the word “sorry”). I’ve decided in this moment of infinite wisdom to start keeping a log of all the things that make my and everyone elses life an endless struggle against the impossible. When I die this log will be passed on to my siblings as a warning of what’s to come. Here’s a convenient list of 10 things to get started with (again):

 

 

Giving eligible, coherent and correct directions to a passing motorist – There are three different methods of responding to a request from a lost motorist to tell them how to get to somewhere. The first is to simply claim that you “don’t know” or have “never heard of it”. This can either be the truth or a complete lie, and in either case is the safest and most cowardly option. The second is to try to explain the directions to them. Upon doing this, you’ll realise shortly into your explanation that even though you know exactly where the place in question is, you actually have no idea how to explain where it is. This results in you passing on a confuddled blurb of instructions and unrelated arm movements that leaves the motorist slightly scared and wishing they’d never encountered you in the first place. You then watch as they drive off and turn the wrong way at the roundabout. The third option is to just make some directions up. This is similar to the second option, but avoids the gradual and painful deterioration of self-confidence and tricks the motorist into thinking you know exactly what you’re on about. You then watch as they drive off and turn the wrong way at the roundabout (and change your walking route in case they realise what you’ve done and come back).

 

Getting the answer to a question right when watching University Challenge – Most game shows provide vague levels of entertainment when bored, as you can sit there, occasionally getting an obvious question right and then unjustifiably acting all smug about it (this effect is amplified when you successfully work out one of the easier maths puzzles on Countdown). University Challenge however ups the game. With University Challenge, the achievement is to understand what the fucking hell the question is even on about in the first place (e.g. Who was the first horse shoe-whistler of the 18th century to accompany Sir Arthur Lowdwich on his journey to Dorset?). By the time you’ve decided not to even bother, some weird faced student has already answered and been subsequently patronised by Jeremy Paxman, despite getting the answer right.

 

Winning a round of “Barrier Risk” – The unavoidable cat and mouse game played on a daily basis with the train barriers outside Grays train station. Upon discovering the barriers to be closed, you must decide whether to a) start walking up the stair bridge, only for the barriers to mysteriously open when you’re half way across, despite no train having passed, in the process making you look a complete retard, or b) wait patiently for the barriers to open, only for them to remain closed for a full 10 minutes, at which point you may consider reverting to method a. To win the game is to find a third option which doesn’t revert back to option b (and ultimately option a), or turn you into the reason those adverts come on telling people not to fuck around with train barriers. As yet no one has achieved this.

 

Knowing when’s appropriate to put an x at the end of a text to a girl – A problem only encountered by men, and usually only reaching a level of conscious concern when encountered with girls who they sort of fancy, but don’t quite fancy enough (or appropriately enough) for it to be known or “open” that they fancy them. This results in a form of mild panic or brain confusion when sending or replying to a text, as removing the x can leave the text resembling a cold, blunt wall of unemotional rudeness, whilst leaving it in looks far too endearing and somehow slightly pervy. My current personal method is to mix things up by sometimes substituting the x for a unnecesarry and grammatically inappropriate explanation mark, or a smiley face. This maintains the sense of friendliness, however if overdone can exceed friendliness and instead make it too obvious that I’m a bit of a nutter. The x sometimes therefore still needs to be deployed. This is also a work-around method as opposed to an actual solution, designed merely to leave the girl too confused as to whether I’m a nutter or just fancy her to safely presume either.

 

Avoiding pre-Mavis Enderby Syndrome (reference “The Meaning of Liff”; Douglas Adams, John Lloyd) – This is a phenomenon I’ve only recently discovered, where in a current girlfriend or female acquaintance who may harbour some interest in you, develops a strange, borderline psychopathic tendency to repeatedly enquire as to the situation between you and an ex-girlfriend of yours. Specifically, the ex-girlfriend who you went out with about three times, haven’t spoken to since, whose number you’ve since lost, and in certain cases whose name you’re not even sure how to correctly pronounce. Once this process has been initiated, it is impossible to escape from. For example, responding to inquisitions as to you and her’s situation with “I don’t speak to her anymore” will only result in the follow-up line of questioning…”have you spoken to your ex yet?” Responding to this with “which one?” is also a very unwise move. Responding with “not yet” only results in repeated questioning, while “no” results in badgering, and “yes” is the most unwise answer of all.

 

Finding a seat on the central line – It had long been a suspicion of mine that Transport for London secretly employ people to just sit around occupying all the seats on every central line train. Then around 18 months ago, my suspicion was confirmed, when TFL finally admitted they’d been paying people money to sit on Underground trains and tell them what it was like (link: http://www.standard.co.uk/news/1m-bill-for-fake-passengers-to-tell-tube-chiefs-about-service-6561473.html)…presumably none of the actual passengers could tell them, due to never being able to get a bloody seat. The current wave of modern “artistic” design engulfing London will also soon result in all central line trains being equipped with seats dangling upside down from the ceiling, whilst wearing sunglasses. As a result Piers Morgan will be the only person in the world able to sit down on the Central Line, due to his head and his arse being the same thing.

 

Changing the lightbulb in my bathroom – Not only is this task impossible, but it’s impossible for any number of reasons, most of which I shall now list

- The casing around the light is circular shaped and held in place by three separate, tightly sealed screws. These screws have no indent on them, meaning no screwdriver or carefully angled knife can possibly hope to ever unscrew them.

- The size of the light and casing itself doesn’t exist at any known bathroom light selling store, warehouse, or dodgy corner shop. There is a light casing at QD’s vaguely resembling it, but this comes without the bulb, rendering it little use to me as anything other than a make shift cereal bowl or anti mind reading hat.

- Curiously, I have nothing in my flat to stand on which allows me to even reach where the light is positioned

- The only time I actually remember I need to change the lightbulb in my bathroom, is when I try to turn it on due to it being too dark to see. I then can’t attempt to change it due to it being too dark to see.

- Fear that if I put the new bulb in, it’ll turn out the switch is already on and my hands will be momentarily and mildly burnt.

 

 

Filling out a Debt Recovery claim form at work – Things start to go downhill upon noticing the first question on the form is “have you filled out this form correctly?” Aside from the rather obvious conundrum of you not having actually filled out the form at all yet, this question only allows for a yes or no answer, missing out the correct third option which would read something like “I believe so, but will be told otherwise when you return it to me in three weeks time because I didn’t include my exact time of birth in the life history section”. Things progress from confusion to unquenchable fury from this point onwards, as you’re asked to supply cost codes, VAT exemption certificates, back up statements from third parties, and all manner of personal information that you yourself forgot many years ago…before realising some months later that it was a different form you needed to fill out in the first place.

 

Booking a window seat on Virgin trains and actually being given a seat with a window next to it – In Virgin train language, “window seat” actually translates as “that one seat in the entire carriage with a bit of wall next to it where the window should be”. It must also, always be directly adjacent to the noisiest, most drunk group of people on the entire train.

 

Replicating  overstonishment – the trait of a peculiar breed of bald-headed old man (who seem to exist everywhere) who have been be stilled with the ability to become visibly astounded by entirely unastounding things. For example, the time on their watch, or a bus arriving at a bus stop. It has become a curious ploy of mine to try to copy this amusing but ultimately entirely pointless habit, by acting overly confused and shocked at things that merely slightly puzzle me. However, I’ve discovered that no matter how shocked and utterly befuddled you try to make yourself look, you never achieve anything beyond the half convincing look of regular bemusement or dumbfoundedness, which instead of making you look “overstonished”, just makes you look like a moron.

Weekend review – Who needs strikers though, right?

A week filled with transfer lunacy, whining scousers, and shocking haircuts. Can you ask for much more?

 

Deadline Day – The one day of the year (even though it happens twice) when football clubs everywhere attempt to prove that they’re run by complete fucking idiots. Players careers bundled around carelessly like trading cards as owners and managers compete to try to complete the most bafflingly pointless transfer of the day. People who you didn’t even know (let alone care ) existed  allegedly turning up for their medical at Stoke, as Sky Sports News attempt to pretend this is relevant somehow to your day. Random unfounded Kaka rumours involving every single club except the one he plays (doesn’t play) for. Why are there so many fans who become embroiled in or even seem to enjoy this tedious fiasco? There was one man stood outside QPR’s ground who had an umbrella as a face. Is it possible to find a more pathetic way to spend an evening, than putting an umbrella on your face in order to just stand about for hours outside QPR HQ,  in the hope Portsmouth defender Sam Magri turns up so you can cheer at him as he walks past?

 

Spur of the moment – It was at least good to see Tottenham once again looking to address their annual shortfall of strikers by spending the entire of deadline day attempting to sign more midfielders. It’s impressive how in spite of this yearly event, Jermaine Defoe manages to remain the fourth choice striker at the club, even when he’s one of only two strikers still there, and scores every time he’s on the pitch…and is apparently constantly on the verge of leaving, yet never actually does (and then even when he does, comes back). On a related note, one thing I don’t get about this new “special partnership” with Real Madrid and Spurs over the Modric sale is, if it’s such a “special” partnership, and Spurs were so desperate to sign a midfielder or ten with Modric leaving, why did Real Madrid force Sahin to join Liverpool? Or is it more a special partnership in the same way David Haye might enjoy a special partnership with the punching bag at his gym?

 

The legacy of Spain – Speaking of strikers, what have Spain done to football? Their mastery in pointless passing during the summer seems to have convinced several premiership teams who aren’t Tottenham Hotspur to also engage in the curious act of deciding people who score goals are no longer important. Arsenal have replaced Van Persie with Giroud, the only man on earth who if he was presented with that Torres chance at Old Trafford last season, you’d be surprised if it did go in. Presumably Liverpool’s plan is to win a string of penalties in every game by having Suarez run towards the linesman pointing furiously at his arm. While Chelsea have stacked their squad with players who play in that position you put midfielders who are too lazy to be actual midfielders in. Maybe they’re all going to share Daniel Sturridge around so no one team has to put up with him on a permanent basis?

 

Falsified Andy Carroll praise – Possibly the most sickening example of match commentary in the history of televised sport on Saturday lunch time, as Sky went to great and unnecessary lengths to point out just how well Andy Carroll was playing, roughly every two seconds. This started reasonably enough, with Carroll’s routine contribution in the build up to West Ham’s first goal being only slightly exaggerated into an earth shattering moment of brilliance. Soon, things began wear a bit thin as attempts to pretend he’d been fouled and was “being a handful” were muted while he repeated surrendered possession. By the end of the game, this desperate ploy had degenerated into showing the same replay over and over of Andy Carroll standing still and not even challenging for the ball from a set piece, while Ray Wilkings mused that this constituted him “causing havoc” in the Fulham penalty area. Andy Carroll has become a bit like the problem child at school who’s constantly awarded gold stars ahead of better students, just because he goes five minutes without throwing a tantrum and hurling his chair across the room, or nearly spells his name right. In short, he’s officially the new Emile Heskey. Meanwhile, Peter Crouch (formerly the new Emile Heskey) managed to set up and scored a goal for Stoke, by standing around and being quite tall. It comes to something when Andy Carroll is hailed as an unparalled genius for being Andy Carroll, on a day when he wasn’t even the best player in the league at being Andy Carroll.

 

Brendan Rodgers pointless lie watch – According to my Liverpool supporting mate, Brendan Rodgers has a habit of “just saying things because it sounds like the right thing to say”, but then doing the opposite. In order to prove or disprove this theory, the obvious and not in any way obsessive thing to do is start keeping a log of every single thing Brendan Rodgers says, and then list anything that turns out to be a lie. So, at the moment:

1) Brendan Rodgers gives his word that he wont attempt to sign players from Swansea. Immediately afterwards, Brendan Rodgers attempts to sign Sigurdson from Swansea, and then signs Joe Allen from Swansea.

1) Brendan Rodgers claims he’d be mad to let Andy Carroll leave without a replacement being brought in. Days later, Andy Carroll leaves despite a replacement not being brought in

 

Wigan fans chanting “your support is fucking shit” – Unless my ears deceived me, I’m sure I heard the Wigan fans briefly chanting this at Nottingham Forest on Tuesday night. If ever there were ever proof needed that football fans are completely devoid of self-awareness, this is it. The twenty or so Wigan fans who bother going to away games, accusing another team’s set of fans of being “shit”? The same Wigan where for every one of their home games, each stand apart from the away end looks like a completed game of Minesweeper on the easiest setting. The only exception being when Wigan play Manchester United, when the home stands are full of Manchester United fans.

 

The defence rests – Keen believers in all that is good about football, like myself, will have enjoyed seeing Chelsea reduced to a whimpering self apologising wreck in the Super Cup on Friday. This was after they mistakenly deployed tactics against competent opposition that involved them actually coming out of their own half. The problem with Chelsea advancing up the pitch and relying on their defenders to defend (as opposed to their entire team), is that none of their defenders can actually defend. Cahill is the newest master of the Scott Parker/Jamie Carragher art of spending games running to that part of the pitch he should have been stood in to begin with. David Luiz can usually be seen running away from said part of the pitch. Ashley Cole’s idea of defending these days involves either cowering behind a team-mate, or sitting in a courtroom telling the jury that John Terry isn’t a racist. John Terry gets caught by his own offside trap whenever he advances further up the pitch than Peter Cech, while Ivanovic can’t even brush his teeth without cynically bringing down the opposing winger and getting himself booked. Hopefully this will become a theme this season, as Chelsea’s army of slightly pointless not quite midfielders stand in the opposition half giving the ball away, and then being caught on the counter attack as they barely bother attempting to get back.

 

Has anyone else noticed that the right side of Mark Hughes’s head is going bald, while he left side of it isn’t? It’s beginning to look like he’s stolen half of David Platt’s forehead.
Looking like things, with Harry Redknapp – Harry Redknapp seems to have abandoned football management in order to pursue a career in looking like as many things as possible. Starting with his face’s gradual de-generation into a real life version of Droopy the Dog, Harry then spent a considerable amount of time looking gradually more and more like my aunt, before recently appearing in a television advert with a pet dog sporting the exact same face as him. The other night on Match of the Day, Redknapp added Jabba The Hut to his look-a-like repertoire. Sat motionless in his chair, unable to lift his own arms as his stomach consumed half of the BBC studio. Next week, Harry attempts to pass as a cross between Diego Maradona and an omlett.

 

 

Awards and stuff!

 

Non alcoholic drinking game

- Insightful and intelligent piece of punditry from Andy Townsend (down a pint)

- Jordan Henderson makes his presence felt (down a pint)

- More than two strikers spotted on the pitch in a game between Chelsea and Liverpool (down a pint)

- Mancini infers that he is completely happy with his squad (down a pint)

- Sensible England team selected (down a pint)

- David Moyes caught smiling (kill yourself by alcohol poisoning)

 

 

Randomly remembered player: Rob Styles – unlike most randomly remembered players in this section, Rob Styles wasn’t a player, he was a referee. Famed for his general uselessness (particularly during games involving Tottenham) and ability to get decisions wrong even when there was no decision to be made in the first place, Styles endured a horrid several year-long tenure as a Premier League referee, ruining football matches on a weekly basis. Rob’s most notable achievements included awarding a penalty to Chelsea at Anfield for reasons unknown to anyone other than himself, in the process costing Liverpool the game (a decision so terrible, he was later forced to publicly apologise), and awarding a penalty to Manchester United against Bolton following a tackle that was so obviously not a foul, even Christiano Ronaldo didn’t try to pretend it was (a decision so terrible, Styles was later forced to publicly apologise). Styles last act as a professional referee was to send off Paul Robinson of West Wrom, for being tackled by Ji Sung Park, causing West Brom to lose the game 5-1.

 

Weekend Review – John O’Shea, and some people who are worse at goalkeeping than him

Second week in and already we’ve had great goals, dodgy defending, and Gary Neville’s scarily untached face. In order not to dwell on that though, let’s get straight to it then:

 

 

The legacy of John O’Shea – Manchester United have developed a trick in recent years where in they are no longer shackled by needing to play players in positions they can actually play in. Instead, being able to just slot any player in anywhere they like, and then blaming the subsequent defeat that would usually follow on tiredness, or the referee being too fat. This radical new way of thinking can be attributed mainly to the discovery of John O’Shea, a man born with the unique ability to be equally incapable of playing well in every single position on the pitch. Now, many years on, and even with John O’Shea departed, United have continued with the traditions he inspired.

On Monday night, Michael Carrick, the midfielder, played at centreback. This in fairness could be attributed to there being no actual fit centreback to play there instead of him. Meanwhile however, Antonio Valencia (the winger) played at fullback, while Danny Welbeck (the striker) played on the left-wing. Rafael Da Silva (the fullback) and Ashley Young (the left-sided winger) were deemed surplus to requirements on the evening.

Now, in line with this trailblazing new way of thinking, if one of the wheels on my car developed a flat tyre, and I had a spare tyre in the boot, would I become an innovative tactical genius if instead of using the spare tyre, I attached the steering wheel to the side of the car and then drove home using the handbreak as a make shift turning mechanism? Or would this just make me some kind of complete fucking moron?

 

 

Nani corners – In this day and age, players have every single aspect and detail of every single game or training session  they participate in analysed, in order to enhance performance in every smallest way possible and try to make that slight bit of difference to the team as a whole. Clubs spend endless hours preparing for every possible detail for every single game.  Entire teams of dweeby nerds are employed  to monitor and computerize endless pages of stats and figures. Tirelessly working to leave no stone, pebble or grain of sand unturned. Yet despite all this, in five years, no one at Manchester United has bothered to tell Nani he’s shit at taking corners?

 

 

Football management, with QPR – Here’s how the running of QPR football club seems to work:

- concede more than 3 goals in 1 game = buy more defending type players

- Score less than 2 goals in any 1 game = buy more attacking type players.

…and that’s it. The quality of any potential signings is then gauged purely on whether or not they used to play for a big team. For example, a player who once played for Chelsea would be deemed better than a player of much younger age and better ability currently playing for West Brom. As a result QPR now have a squad of outcasted reject players who are too old, and either defend or attack a lot,  with some people randomly stuck in the middle of the pitch who don’t really know which of the two they’re supposed to be doing, since QPR’s squad management method doesn’t take into account the middle third of the pitch actually existing. This is in reality the needlessly expensive method of buying a ticket on the relegation train, while pundits spend all season remarking that you’re “too good to be relegated” (then changing their mind to “no one’s too good to be relegated” around March time). The only surprise is that neither Teddy Sheringham or Sol Campbell have cropped up at Loftus Road yet.

 

 

Goalkeeping tutorial

Good news for any aspiring young goalkeepers this week, as some of the world’s top shotstoppers have taken time out to provide demonstrative coaching techniques, completely free of charge, and available to a worldwide audience:

Dealing with dangerous freekicks, with Peter Cech – First, position your wall in line with the near post, making sure it is not weak or disjointed. Then, position yourself in relation to the wall to gain as clear a view as possible and cover any part of the goal a shot might realistically be able to reach. When the shot comes in, sprawl across and make the save, crumple to the floor and simply scoop the ball haplessly into your own net. For added dramatic effect, glance around in amazement as if god himself couldn’t have prevented this from happening.

Dealing with simple backpasses, with Victor Valdes – First, make sure you are a clear distance from any opposing player, and that there is also no opposing player in a position to intercept any would be pass to you from your defender. Then, make yourself available to receive a simple ball into feet. Once you receive the pass, stand completely still and do nothing at all until an opposing player runs in and tries to tackle you. At this point, spin around in a circle and fall over whilst flailing your arms as if having some kind of fit, allowing the opposing player to tap the ball into an empty net. Make sure you do this feebly enough for the referee not to accidentally think you’ve been fouled.

Commanding your area from crosses, with David De Gea – Position yourself at the near post. When the cross comes in, carefully judge the flight of the ball, paying attention to the position of your defenders and any opposing players. Then, somehow hurl yourself away from your own goal area in order to leave an unguarded net, whilst simultaneously jumping directly in front of your defender in order to put him off, and managing to miss the ball entirely. Make sure you land in a crumpled heap at least a metre wide of the goal mouth, so that in the event your defender still does manage to temporarily clear the ball, any opposition player can simply tap it into an empty net. Glare accusingly at your defender whilst sporting a shit looking haircut.

 

 

Defending tutorial:

How to defend, with Rafael Da Silva – Attack everything!

 

 

The voice of ultimate depression – I guarantee that the guy who works as the stadium announcer at Anfield has absolutely no living relatives or friends. This is because he’ll have driven them all to suicide by talking to them in his dull, toneless voice once too often (once). Computer nerds familiar with the original Team Fortress series will recognise him as the “Blue team, has captured, the flag” guy. He’s also sometimes employed at Liverpool Lime Street to announce train departure times when the powers that be become worried that the morning commuters don’t seem quite miserable or fed up with their lives enough. Manchester City’s lifeless performance on Sunday also came about after he spent the half hour before the game sat outside their dressing room, announcing their line up to them repeatedly.

 

 

- Why, every single week it’s broadcast, do the BBC advertise when Match of the Day is going to be on, on the channel it’s going to be on, immediately before it actually starts, and two minutes after it’s already supposed to have started?

- How do you know you’re a shit pundit? – When Gary Linekar dismisses your one and only point on the game you’ve just analysed by saying “I don’t think so somehow”, then immediately changes the subject before you can respond.

 

 

Rule change watch:

- Patrice Evra was bicycle kicked in the face in the build up to Fulham hitting the bar on Saturday. Apparently booting an opposition player in the face is no longer considered a foul or dangerous play, even when it leads directly to the offending player being unmarked to have a shot on goal

- Being or looking like Luis Suarez is however now apparently a bookable offence in all Premier League fixtures

 

 

Awards!

Steven Gerrard award – Martin Skrtel, James Collins

Randomly remembered player award – David Seaman. Every generation of England team has to contain at least one player whose hair has been stolen from the Second World War. David Seaman was that player for his generation. Notable for his goalkeeping heroics for both Arsenal and England, and for his starring role as a British Army general in motion picture “A Bridge Too Far”, Seaman can also be remembered for all to often sporting goalkeeping jerseys that made it look like he was playing a game of tetris on his chest. Dave enjoyed a long and succesful career for both club and country, until one day he allowed Ronaldinho to cross the ball into the back of the England net from about 500 yards out, whilst being distracted by the lack of those useful L shaped purple brick things on the front of his shirt. Before he knew it he was languishing at Manchester City with pirate hair and was soon after forced to retire.

World’s strongest man award – Dembele. Staking his claim by not only figuratively carrying Fulham’s entire midfield on his back, but also spending much of the game literally carrying Manchester United’s entire midfield on his back. Occasionally sending limbs and bodies flying off into the gasping crowd.

The newdless fantasy football selection curse of death award – Sergio Aguero, Wayne Rooney, Luis Nani

Weekend Review – Olympic spirit?

So, after a summer of enduring the tennis, people lying about how much more enjoyable than football the Olympics have been, and Sky’s constant replaying of Martin Tyler shouting “AGUERRRROOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!” at both the start and end of EVERY advert break, the football is finally back! Naturally then, it’s time to start complaining about it:

What Shield? – I didn’t think it was possible, but somehow hosting the Community Shield at Villa Park created a kind of double rebound effect which managed to make both seem even less relevant than usual. It became so unimportant that most people didn’t even bother to check what time it kicked off until about half an hour before it finished…presumably including half the people who were supposed to be at the stadium watching it.”James Milner must feel right at home here” was by far the most apt comment made to sum up the whole affair.

On the plus side, there’s nothing like the sight of Carlos Tevez celebrating a goal to make you remember why you’re fed up with football and didn’t actually want it to come back. Although worse was the sight of Daniel Sturridge celebrating himself being subbed onto the pitch. At least Tevez waits until he’s made a scene of himself before trying to make a scene of himself.

Along with Sturridge’s increased self gratifying involvement, the addition of @Hazard to Chelsea’s line up will make this year’s “spot the person playing for Chelsea who isn’t an insufferable twatbag” contest even more difficult. Jill (29, from Hull) won last year after she found an old clip of Gianfranco Zola scoring against Norwich on Youtube (the clip has since been forcibly removed on copyright grounds, despite the fact it’ll probably never be show anywhere else, ever again)

Olympic spirit – There’s been much talk about the dignified behaviour of athletes during the olympics and how footballers should learn a thing or two from this. Leaving aside the various complexities and hypocrisy of this argument, I have one question: Did anyone actually bother to watch the football at the Olympics? Craig Bellamy spent the grand total of about 5 seconds not abusing the match officials, Brazil engaged in their own personal “how many opposition players can we cheat to get sent off” contest, Daniel Sturridge (yes, him again) wanted Team GB’s last kick of the ball in extra time to be all about himself, then fluffed it, then missed his penalty, then threw a huge strop and stormed off the pitch on his own, refusing to acknowledge the existence of his team mates. Luis Suarez was allowed to participate. Football couldn’t even behave itself at the Olympics, so why on earth would it behave itself because of the Olympics?
RVP – The summer’s big  irritating transfer saga finally came to an end this week as Robin Van Persie stabbed loyal Arsenal fans in the back by joining major local city rivals…Manchester United. Unusually for a player of such proven pedigree, there’s been a fair degree of scepticism surrounding the transfer, much of which I can only be dismissive of:

Van Persie is too old…not really. He’s 29. Does anyone even remember when Ryan Giggs was 29?

He’s only had one full season without injury in the last 8 years…This actually makes him the second least likely to be injured player in the United squad, behind only Patrice Evra, who possesses the ability to self-heal.

It’s too much money…This is a fair point, but after missing out on the comparative bargains of Fernando Torres and Andy Carroll, Sir Alex Ferguson’s hand may have been forced deeper into his wallet than he’d have liked.

He’s been disloyal to Arsenal fans…nobody cares. Niall Quinn also claimed the “way” in which Van Persie joined United was wrong, but then couldn’t explain what this “way” was or what was particularly wrong about it. Maybe he displayed a lack of Olympian spirit by not being delivered to Old Trafford in a speedboat driven by David Beckham?

So, since all the negativism is either stupid or both stupid and irrelevant, he’ll be a big success, right? …wrong, and here’s why; Of the 132 goals Van Persie scored for Arsenal, roughly 110 of them were against Blackburn Rovers, who he can’t play against anymore because they’ve been relegated. In fact curiously, Van Persie has actually scored more goals in total against Blackburn than his entire career tally, since Blackburn are so bad at defending against RVP, they even manage to concede against him when he’s not playing.

One thing about this I am slightly confused by is what exactly Sir Alex Ferguson meant when he said United’s transfer people were “working very hard to bring players into the club”. It seems Arsenal asked for £24m for Van Persie, and United then spent the entire summer painstakingly negotiating this down to…£24m. And then the transfer happened because Sir Alex Ferguson phoned Arsene Wenger for a chat one evening.

Park Ranger – Why have QPR signed Ji Sung Park just to play him in a position he can’t play in? Was their squad so desperately short of players who can’t play in midfield that they felt the need to buy some more? Because if so Liverpool have plenty going spare. Are they challenging themselves to lose 5-0 every single week?

Wigan Pathetic – If Wigan were an Olympic competitor, they’d be disqualified after the opening day nearly every year for “Not giving one’s best efforts to win the game”. There are a number of games during any season which are so one-sided and uncompetitive, watching or trying to measure anything from them becomes completely pointless…like trying to figure out how good Roger Federer is at tennis by pitting him against a disoriented pensioner holding a golf club. I’ve yet to see any such game that didn’t involve Wigan Athletic in the pensioner/golf club role. At one point today, Wigan were so bad Eden Hazard actually managed to pass the ball across the pitch…to himself. Only Chelsea’s own inability to continue being bothered prevented Wigan getting in early with chalking up one of their numerous 5-0 spankings…and what was that disgusting whistling music playing at half time? I mean, for feck sake, stop deliberately turning yourselves into a joke.

What’s a tell-tale sign you’ve spent too long hanging around with the Spanish national team? …when you go to take a penalty and suddenly feel compelled and overcome by the urge to pass it as accurately as possible to the feet of the goalkeeper, rather than just have a shot.
Some things that have amused me:

- Newcastle have signed a player called “Good”

- The fact that Ravel Morrison, one of the most talented young footballers in the country, has gone from Manchester United to West Ham…a team managed by the world’s most notorious anti football man, Sam Allardyce, and then via there to Birmingham…possibly the only team who are too Sam Allardyce for Sam Allardyce. Expect Ravel to turn up playing centreback for Stoke half way through the season.

- Brendan Rodgers promising not to sign any of Swansea’s players, and then immediately trying and failing to sign one of Swansea’s players, and then signing another one of Swansea’s players after that. Would anyone have really cared if he simply hadn’t promised anything in the first place?

- Robin Van Persie/Cesc Fabregas refuse to sign new contracts at Arsenal…months of mass panic ensue. Theo Walcott refuses to sign a new contract at Arsenal…nobody cares.

- Liverpool

- That Sky fantasy football advert with Harry Redknapp and the dog, where you can’t quite tell if they’ve deliberately chosen a dog with almost the exact same face as Harry Redknapp, or whether it’s just a weird coincidence.

Awards:

Most pointless transfer of the summer – Alex Song leaves Arsenal to join Barcelona…possibly the only team in the world whose midfield he wont improve

Stupidist non transfer of the summer – Dimitar Berbatov’s non return to strikerless Tottenham Hotspur

Randomly remembered player award – Former Bolton man Michael Ricketts. Ricketts fired Bolton into the Premier League with a string of goals in 2001. This ruthless new talent, this unstoppable beast of a striker, continued to score freely following Bolton’s promotion. Notably putting United to the sword at Old Trafford, and netting 15 further goals in less than half a season. This led to an inevitable and deserved call up to the England team. Ricketts would earn a place in the starting 11 on his first international call up…he was subsequently taken off at half time due to being awful, and proceeded to never score another goal again, ever. His international career is rated as only slightly more succesful than Emile Heskey’s

Stupid things about the Olympics, so far

Hello all (i.e. Brad, Plech, and the roughly four other people who view this page). Apologies for the lack of Euro 2012 commentary. I’ve been very busy in the past couple of months doing nothing useful in particular, and nearly dying a couple of times. However, I’ve managed to spend the last week spending time becoming bemused by the Olympics instead, so thought I’d report on the many things which have irrationally angered me:

 

 

Michael Phelps’ medal record – Now, I’m not going to deny that it’s extremely impressive being the best in the world at swimming, for about three olympics in a row, and yes, he does have about 20 gold medals, which again is quite good…but, that tally is partly because at each olympics, there’s about 500 swimming events, all of which are exactly the same as each other, and he just enters all of them. I mean, there’s the 100m medley, the 200m medley, the 200m freestyle medley, the 200m medley relay medley, the 202m breaststroke medley (probably)…it’s just endless, and they all just involve swimming in a pool in a straight line. Why does there need to be more than one event for that? In the end, he’s not really even the best in the world at swimming, he’s just the best in the world at swimming in specific ways at a specific distance, and as long as he doesn’t have to go round corners. Would Sebastian Vettel be the best driver in the world if every single F1 race was in a straight line on the same 200m stretch of the M25, and the drivers all just wore different colour helmets each time? No, he’d be the best in the world at driving in a straight line on the M25 between junctions 10 and 11…as long as there wasn’t any traffic.

 

Given the astonishing number of events and vague difference between each one, it’s also not impossible that Michael Phelps is just being allowed to make them up:

 

“and next up, it’s the 100m Phelps Stroke, featuring, Michael Phelps” *roaring crowd noises*

“and the winner of the 2012 Michael Phelps look-a-like swim is….Michael Phelps!”

“another stunning gold for Phelps in the 200m “whoever has the most gold medals wins” medley”

 

As you may have guessed, I’m not really sure what medley means. Actually, a good equalizer would be to make people wear all of their previous medals when they compete. So Phelps would basically just be a giant bar of gold powering up and down the lanes from the bottom of the pool…in a straight line.

 

 

Swimming, in general – Obviously I’ve covered most of this, but as a side note, the commentary has begun to grate. Why are they so utterly amazed at the outcome of every single race, when nearly every single race is exactly the same? Also, most of them just end with Phelps or some other American winning. It’s not really that amazing, is it? If I’m told not to bet on swimming one more time, I’m going to bet on it just to spite them. Another thing, whilst all the women swimmers look relatively normal, every single male swimmer seems to have developed the same weird rubbery looking skin. Do they all just live in the pool like a bunch of fish wearing stupid hats? and for feck sake, add an event that isn’t just swimming in a straight line…make them go around corners, or jump out of the water through hoops, or have to fend off sharks. Anything. Please.

 

 

Weightlifting – Weightlifting is hilarious. Each contestant first goes up to this pot of mysterious substance which they sniff, which makes them cry, and then they lift a really heavy bar above their head whilst pulling a silly face, and still crying. Then they drop the bar on the floor again and sometimes the light goes green, and sometimes it goes red, and everyone claps. What in the fuck is going on?

 

 

Countries – The traditionally weird opening ceremony was yet again marred by the part where all of the nations taking part prance around the track for about 5 hours whilst no one cares. Here’s the thing, I’m fairly sure half of them don’t even exist, or if they do, are completely pointless. Most amusing was that strange green version of Turkey, or the country that was just a bunch of people who don’t belong to a country (huh?). There should be a rule; if no one in the stadium cheers or recognises which nation you are by your flag, then at the end of the track, you turn right and march out of the stadium and into the street, and don’t compete in the current or any future olympics. As it is, I was half expecting some bloke called Paul to come out waving a flag that’s just a picture of his face, whilst being announced as “Paul”…followed shortly after by himself again, only this time dressed in green and waving a green Turkey flag.

 

 

Commentary blunders – Britain have been referred to as England in the football more times than they’ve been referred to as Britain, and almost as many times as they’ve been referred to as “Craig Bellamy” who Jonathan Pearce is apparently strangely in love with.

 

“and that’s Korea’s third gold medal of the games, taking their gold medal tally to…….three”  …Well done

 

“And there’s Phelps, with his headphones in. He listens to the same song every time he comes out”

“What song is it?

“I………don’t know”

 

“and that’s Hulk (camera pans to random Mexican person i.e. not renowned Brazilian international footballer, Hulk) who’ll be a major asset to the Mexican football team”

 

 

General musings:

How are Britain not the best in the world at poncing around on horses? According to television, it’s all anyone in that middle part of the country ever bloody does.

Is gymnastics amazing or just really boring? I think it’s sort of both, somehow. I couldn’t hope to do it, but on the other hand, I couldn’t stand to do it either.

Why is diving into water from a wooden board an Olympic event? There are some weak events, but this one takes the biscuit. They’ve taken something that’s only interesting because it usually involves being threatened by pirates, and banned all the pirates.

I watched the archery final (I don’t know why). Fitness and athleticism is clearly very important with archery, that’s why we had the American team in the final, with broadened chests and a combined body fat of about 0.5%, taking on a bunch of fat blokes with beards, and losing.

You know a sport has become a bit too embroiled in the upper classes when people are banned from it for “not giving one’s best efforts to win the game”. The rest of us usually just call it “cheating”

The judo event at the olympics has led to renewed claims from a work colleague that there is “no such thing as a judo chop”, which is a bizarre claim as it’s usually contradicted by the fact he’s saying it in response to me judo chopping him. Never let anyone tell you there’s no such thing as a judo chop.

Season Review 2011/2012

Since there was no actual football this week (that thing that happened last night doesn’t count), here’s a team by team round up of the Premiership season instead. I’ll also possibly be “covering” the Euros (undecided with what yet) and using the summer to complain about the Olympics some more. Ooh exciting…

 

 

 

Wolves – I’ve become convinced that Wolves as a football club don’t actually know what it is they’re supposed to be doing. Firstly, they started the season with Mick McCarthy as manager. A man who’s biggest managerial achievements revolve around sacking his best players and leading teams to record numbers of consecutive league defeats. Secondly, when this didn’t work they tried to play the trusted “new manager” card relegation threatened teams often use to escape trouble, except they didn’t actually appoint a new manager. They just sacked the old one and then did nothing, and so nothing happened, and they got relegated. Thirdly, their new stand…how come the entire thing is being constructed by a single fat bloke who seems to permanently be on his lunch break? Is this the same guy who built Wembley? Why do they even need a new stand when they can’t fill up the ones that are already there? Their fans have also become caught up in the confusion, attempting to help their team to victory by booing them furiously, and then booing them even more furiously for not reacting well to being booed at, and then going home before the end of the game, furiously, and whilst booing. It’s been a thoroughly miserable season for Wolves, the highlights being the games that were slightly less miserable than the others.

Verdict – 3/10. Wolves succumbed to the depths with all the resistance of a stone tied to an even bigger stone and tangled round an anchor.

Most notable player – Joe Kitely was the only one who seemed to show any kind of fight towards the end of a campaign which no one will be keen to look back on.

 

 

Blackburn - Gradually the good old days at Blackburn Rovers have downgraded from “that time when we were league champions”,  to “that time when Sam Allardyce wasn’t our manager yet”, and now eventually to “that time when Sam Allardyce was still our manager”. It’s little wonder the fans have lost their minds. Becoming so vicious in their protests against Steve Kean, they managed to cause the rest of the world to feel sorry for him and effectively make him unsackable. Releasing random farm animals onto the pitch. Organising protests after games, even though more people leave Blackburn games early than actually turn up to watch them in the first place. Like Wolves, Blackburn have spent much of the season repeatedly punching themselves in the face. Unlike Wolves there have been some genuine highlights amidst the misery, such as the victory against Manchester United’s random raffle eleven, or…well, not being quite as bad as Wolves. Unfortunately this is also the team who managed to lose at home to Liverpool, despite being awarded two penalties and Liverpool’s goalkeeper being sent off.

Verdict – 4/10 Blackburn’s last-ditch attempt to avoid doom consisted of spending games refusing to come out of their own half, and bringing David Dunn back to prove how unfit he is…again.

Most notable player – Yakubu remains the Premier League’s chief fat man, but Junior Hoilett’s pace and menace on the ball is what gave Blackburn faint hope.

 

 

Bolton – When your club’s star summer signings include the likes of David Ngog and Nigel Reo-Coker, alarm bells should already be ringing. When this is followed up by being thrashed feebly in a succession of home games, the alarm bells should really be replaced by deafening sirens and a collection of 50ft neon signs flashing “you’re going to be relegated if you don’t sort this out”. Bolton did eventually make a fight of it, but there’s only so much fight you can have when your main weapons are Chris Eagles haircut, and Kevin Davies’s ability to foul people and think it makes him look clever. Owen Coyle is on the growing list of managers who look like animals of some kind. It can’t help matters when you’re 3-0 down to Manchester United, and look over to see a giant rat in a daft looking jumper bleating instructions at you from the touch-line.

Verdict – 5/10 Bolton went down with a bit of pride and genuine bad luck to bleat on about, but the backbone turned to jelly too easily a number of times.

Most notable player – Adam Bogdan has ginger hair and won Bolton’s player of the year award. That’ll do.

 

 

QPR – It’s been proven that it’s possible to buy success in football. It’s also now been proven that it’s possible to buy not being relegated. Well, just about. QPR’s season has been a bit like watching someone try to balance a house on top of a pyramid. As soon as one area of the team was strengthened, another part would start to give way under the increased pressure. Meanwhile Neil Warnock was sacked for being too angry-looking, and then replaced with the only man in football who’s more angry-looking  than him. This predictably brought about a spate of unnecessary red cards. For some reason despite the several waves of new players brought in, that guy who’s so old his hair has gone grey seemed to keep starting games (apart from when he was getting sent off). It’s not usually a good sign when one of your players looks like the manager’s uncle.

Verdict – 6/10 Judging by my QPR mate’s constant forecast of doom prior to and throughout the season, they’ll be more than happy with survival. Hard work was made of it though.

Most notable player – There were some solid performers on the pitch, all easily outshone by the staggering idiocy of Joey Barton and his unfortunate twitter account.

 

 

Aston Villa – The first golden rule of the Premier League: 1) Every season, Aston Villa must strive to be as pointless and predictable as possible, and not, under any circumstances, become relevant to anything remotely important. Think the rule didn’t apply this year just because they didn’t finish 10th? Well think again. At the start of the season, when Aston Villa appointed Alex McLeish as manager, every single one of us (probably including Alex McLeish) thought “well that’s a bit pointless. All that’ll happen is he’ll nearly get them relegated and then they’ll sack him”. Then, the season started, AlexMcLeish nearly got Aston Villa relegated, and they sacked him. An exercise in complete pointlessness that couldn’t sum up Aston Vila more perfectly if it tried. Like deciding to dedicate your morning to shutting your fingers in a car door just to prove to yourself that it hurts.

Verdict – 6/10 Aston Villa could still get away with having Gareth Barry’s face as the club emblem. A positional drop represented by a pointless managerial appointment and selling of their two best (most average) players from the previous campaign.

Most notable player – Richard Dunne. I can’t explain why, because I picked him at random due to all Aston Villa players being required to have invariably average seasons.

 

 

Wigan – The masters of the dark arts. As usual, Wigan decided to spend the season picking and choosing which games they’d bother to turn up for, plummeting themselves into trouble and then distorting the league table by mysteriously turning into the English equivalent of Barcelona for the last two months. No one can ever truly explain how Wigan time and again manage to not get relegated. Come around March each year, mysterious goings on start to occur, such as James McCarthur suddenly being allowed on the pitch twice during games, or Victor Moses suddenly transforming into the really good version of Charles N’Zogbia (the one who mysteriously only existed for the last few months of last season). People also suddenly start turning up for Wigan’s home games. Opposition teams become paralyzed with fear as Franco Di Santo inexplicably learns how to score from 35 yards, having previously been unable to do so from 3. It will be the same story again next season, and for each season forever more until someone uncovers whatever dark magic is responsible for this madness.

Verdict – 6/10 As usual, the question is, if they were capable of that, why were they so unbelievably pathetic for the rest of the season?

Most notable player – Victor Moses has pace, trickery and growing maturity. He’ll soon spend too much of a season playing well to be allowed to stay at Wigan.

 

 

Stoke – Here’s the problem I have with Stoke. If you took away all of the incorrect refereeing decisions in their games this season, either for or against, and then worked out their theoretical points total based on this, they’d probably be somewhere very close to the relegation zone, by which I possibly mean they’d be sitting in it…and yet, Tony Pulis had the cheek to play the “big teams get all the decisions” card after a game against Manchester United at Old Trafford. This would be the same Manchester United who were, like a host of other teams, denied 3 points at the Britania by terrible refereeing decisions. Another thing, after relegating Bolton on the final day (thanks mostly to terrible refereeing decisions), Pulis also proudly bleated on about Stoke maintaining the integrity of the Premier League. Two years ago Tony Pulis and Stoke maintained the integrity of the Premier League by losing 8-0 to Chelsea in a crucial title run-in game, and then trying to get a result at Old Trafford a few weeks later by time-wasting when they were 2-0 down…And on the subject of time-wasting, roughly 90% of Stoke’s season has consisted of the opposition waiting for them to take throw ins. Technically Stoke should only just have reached half time of their opening day fixture against Chelsea.

Verdict – 6/10 Standards have dropped a little this season, though help from main assist provider, reffy the ref, has allowed Stoke to pick up notable points against the likes of Liverpool, Spurs, United and Chelsea. Bizarrely the draw against Manchester City was earned purely on the back of playing well.

Most notable player – Peter Crouch. He continues to combine being useless with being undeniably effective. He also scored arguably one of the best goals of the season, behind about 10 of Newcastle’s.

 

 

Sunderland – What I didn’t understand with Sunderland was, they were given money to splash out, and then chose to splash it out on John O’Shea and Wes Brown. Not that there’s anything especially wrong with John O’Shea or Wes Brown, but no matter how good or bad your team is, it doesn’t really become better because you can suddenly have John OShea provide adequate cover in a variety of positions he can’t really play, or because you can use Wes Brown for about 5 games a year. It just seems there’s this rule at Sunderland where everyone has to be either Manchester United, or Irish, or both. So it was a case of “they’ll do”. Subsequently the first half of the season was spent realising that in truth, no, they wont. Fortunately Martin O’Neill is Irish, and was able to turn things around after Steve Bruce was, slightly harshly, given the boot. Niall Quinn’s decision to leave Sunderland so he could mither around on Sky Sports supporting Manchester City is also a slightly bizarre one, though he comes across as too nice of a chap for me to hold it against him.

Verdict – 7/10 The same old road to nowhere for Sunderland in the end, though seeing as it diverted from a cliff edge en route, they wont be too displeased

Most notable player – James McClean’s not Manchester United, but he is Irish, and he’s been forcing his country to sit up and take notice.

 

 

Norwich – Grant Holt’s name has been banded about so much in relation to one thing or another, that he’s now more or less the only thing I can remember about Norwich’s entire season. Holt, now apparently responsible for Norwich’s entire existence, has subsequently handed in a transfer request. I suspect this is because players of his ilk are somehow magnetically drawn to Tony Pulis. Holt is in fact rotating helplessly around the outside of Pulis’s house as we speak, along with Peter Crouch and Kenwyn Jones, unable to break away and live a normal, hoof free life. Norwich were deadweight at the start of the season in many people’s eyes, yet they’ve never even looked likely to be relegated. There is no obvious reason why other than maybe the manager and club having a bit of sense in a league system full of panic and turmoil.

Verdict – 8/10 Not only did Norwich not get relegated, they didn’t even look like one of the teams who might, which is impressive since usually their kit and club badge alone is enough to make you think “Championship side”

most notable player – Grant Holt, obviously. Holt committed more fouls last season than the entire rest of the league combined. Often managing to commit infringements on defenders purely by thought, or more likely by elbowing them square in the face.

 

 

Swansea – If Barcelona were to play Swansea, you’d almost have trouble telling which team was which…well, apart from the fact that one of them would probably be about 8-0 up by half time. Swansea, like Barcelona, or Arsenal when they were good enough for anyone to care, have no plan B. They believe so strongly in their ability to execute plan A, that they simply don’t care for an alternative. This is commendable and brave when it works, and obviously, arrogant and foolhardy when it doesn’t. Seeing as Swansea’s realistic aim for the season was probably not to finish bottom with a record low points total, the former may apply in this instance. Confidence has grown as the season has progressed and it’s become apparent to opponents that a team of Michael Carrick clones might not be such a pushover after all. On the negative side, Syrrell the Swan has spent the season in a disappointingly unviolent mood.

Verdict – 8/10 Any team from Wales who dress up for games as a flock of sheep have their work cut out not to be a laughing-stock. Mission more than accomplished.

Most notable player – There’s a curious irony in Leon Brittain being both understated and compared to Xavi at the same time.

 

 

West Brom – Most of my time focussing on West Brom this season has been spent arguing about whether Roy Hodgson is secretly a giant pigeon, or a giant owl. Whilst I concede there is a distinct owl resemblance in his facial features, the head movements and general posturing are clearly closer to that of a pigeon, and lets face it, it was only a matter of time before a pigeon gained control of England. As for West Brom themselves, well, in truth they’ve spent the season being largely average and unnoticed, which represents their most succesful season since that other one no one can actually remember. There must also be some sense of satisfaction in taking Aston Villa’s place as that pointless team in 10th place who no one can remember doing anything noteworthy.

Verdict – 7/10 Hodgson has a habit of guiding teams to mediocrity, what it comes down to is whether the team in question would consider mediocrity a good thing. In West Brom’s case a break from nearly being relegated is more than welcome.

Most notable player – Jonas Olsson has been named West Brom’s player of the year, and I haven’t watched enough West Brom to disagree.

 

 

Fulham – I’ll admit, the first part of the season I spent repeatedly forgetting that Mark Hughes didn’t manage Fulham anymore, then for much of the middle park I kept getting Martin Jol confused with Christian Gross. This gives some indication to how much attention I’ve paid to Fulham’s season. This still however makes me more of a Fulham fan than 90% of the people who seem to turn up to watch them play. In fact, the only real Fulham fan I know is a teddy bear called “Fulham Bear” which has been kidnapped from its unidentified rightful owner by a bunch of Manchester United fans, and sent on a round the world trip. Fulham bear will have therefore missed seeing Clint Dempsey score from 30 yards nearly every single week to the delight of his tube ticket clutching manag…no wait…screw it…to the delight of Mark Hughes.

Verdict – 7/10 It’s hard to say. What do Fulham generally expect from a season? Where do they usually end up? Does anyone actually know?

Most notable player – Clint Dempsey. A midfielder who can’t really play in midfield but compensates by scoring about 20 goals a year…didn’t someone say Frank Lampard was getting on a bit?

 

 

Liverpool – It’s hard to believe, but at the start of the season I actually quite liked Kenny Dalglish. He seemed to want his team to play football, he gave the impression of having an old school respect for the game, and, most importantly, he kept spending vast sums of Liverpool’s money on rubbish players. Then, the season started, and every time he appeared on a TV screen or radio anywhere, he was talking down at someone or being thoroughly dislikable. Then he started alluding to daft conspiracy theories and making strange threats, and then he decided to defend racism, all the while letting his team’s already faltering season unravel around his crusade of bafflingly rude stupidity. For a while Liverpool’s season seemed like a contest where each week they’d challenge themselves to find a way to be slightly more embarassing than the last. Whenever the outside world may have begun to feel a slight sense of pity, Dalglish would come out and be interviewed, invoking a new wave of simultaneous disgust and laughter. There’s something strange in the water on the red half of Merseyside. Never has a person in football who isn’t called Sepp more deserved to be removed from a position of responsibility than King Kenny, and yet the cult still don’t want to give up their cloaks.

Verdict – 5/10 Imagine spending over £100m on something, and then not being able to figure out what it is you’ve bought.

Most notable player – Luis Suarez likes rolling about needlessly in the dirt, smearing mud all over the emblem on his chest in the process.

 

 

Everton – Everton have seemingly spent the season on a mission to be as opposite to Liverpool as possible. While Liverpool have capitulated in a soaring blaze of destruction, Everton spent their time gradually and quietly easing into over achievement. While Liverpool splash vast sums of money on big name, average game players, Everton spend the net total of about 20p on understated footballers who exceed their reputation (and Darron Gibson). While Liverpool draw world-wide attention to themselves, blowing up nothing incidents into full-scale, long running news scandals, you get the impression Everton could have signed Lionel Messi on a free transfer and no one would have said anything or even noticed for about 2 months. David Moyes repeatedly works with resources that give him no right to not get his team relegated, and somehow uses them to build an effective unit that’s pleased to simply not be getting up to much.

Verdict – 8/10 Being predictable and pointless can be an achievement when your club seemingly has less spare money to spend than most of its players.

Most notable player – Sylvan Distin epitomizes Everton’s solidarity. Apostolos Vellios also deserves a mention for having such a ridiculous sounding name.

 

 

Chelsea  – It’s amazing how even when they themselves are too awful for you to do anything but laugh at, Liverpool FC still find away to be extremely irritating by proxy. Chelsea, ladies and gentlemen, finished fourth. Of course they didn’t actually finish fourth. In fact in the end they didn’t even particularly try to. They’ve been artificially moved there after the season finished, as a result of Liverpool FC throwing their toys out of the pram back in 2005. Getting what you don’t earn or deserve has in the brutally honest sense been a theme of Chelsea’s season though. The blues started the season under the guise of Villas Boas (aka the man of a thousand cigarette voices), and were by their standards, awful, until John Terry took time out from being a national disgrace in order to sack him. After this Chelsea responded by..still being quite awful, except they won the European Cup, mostly by being awful. It would appear that the purchasing of Fernando Torres was a masterstroke after all, as he seems to possess the ability to single-handedly absorb all of Chelsea’s bad luck.

Verdict – 5/10 no season which includes a European Cup win will ever go down as a failure, but the rating and comments are based on league form alone, and even pre-Abramovic Chelsea would have considered anything below 4th a failure.

Most notable player – Juan Mata. The poor man’s David Silva who no one really wanted has turned out to arguably be the signing of the season. As effective as his City counterpart and even sporting the trademark arrogant looking Spanish facial hair hat Silva lacks. He also joins the growing list of Premiership players who look like they should be playing for Arsenal.

 

 

Newcastle – How do you sum up how crazy a Premiership season its been in just one sentence? Here’s an attempt: Of all the top six teams, Newcastle were by far the least turbulent and prone to calamity. There! …Not only that, but for the first time in living memory, Newcastle have actually done better than they were expected to at the start of the season. This was previously thought to be a scientific impossibility, as studies have shown that Newcastle fans start every season already disappointed with how it ended. Newcastle’s journey hasn’t been without its usual mishaps. Joey Barton started the season on the books, then, to the surprise of all, went insane. The stadium is now named after some shop I bought a pair of shorts in once, and there was an ill advised attempt to buy Ravel Morrison. Through all that though has emerged a genuinely formidable team who finished where they did on merit, and were perhaps slightly unlucky not to finish higher. A return to calamitous catastrophe is surely in order next season.

Verdict – 9/10 A disappointingly sane season for Newcastle. Unusually, highlights consisted of memorable team performances and what must be one of the best single team goal of the season contests in living memory.

Most notable player – Someone’s missed the boat with signing Ben Arfa before doing so would have commanded a ridiculous fee. Now Newcastle’s challenge will be to keep hold of him when team’s who can afford said ridiculous fee come sniffing.

 

 

Tottenham – At numerous points in the season it had been pointed out that this Spurs side is different. Unlike previous Spurs sides, it has a backbone, and a solid foundation, and wouldn’t just crumble away or “do a Spurs” as would have been the case in previous years. This, curiously, all seems to be based on the fact Harry Redknapp is manager. Here are the other Premiership teams who have benefitted from Redknapp’s apparently infamous backbone and solid foundation building: Championship side and financially troubled West Ham, Championship side and financially troubled Portsmouth, and Championship side Southampton. Needless to say, when the business end of the season came around, Spurs “did a Spurs” and simply crumbled away, eventually finishing 4th in a 3 horse race, and then even managing to drop down another place after the season had finished. Keen observers who weren’t too busy worshipping the wrong next England manager, or pretending Tottenham “play the best football in the league” for some reason, would note Spurs had actually been playing reasonably well, but choking all season whenever an important game rolled around.

Verdict – 7/10 The situation with Chelsea and the Champions League final aside, Spurs would have gladly taken fourth if offered it back in August, but the fact remains that in a season where no one at the top could hold their nerve, Spurs still managed to lose theirs notably more than anyone else.

Most notable player – Gareth Bale has become obsessed with pretending he’s Ronaldo. He isn’t, but when he sticks to being Gareth Bale he’s still Tottenham’s best player.

 

 

Arsenal – It’s commendable that even in a season where Arsenal had reached no level of pressure or expectation worth bottling, they still managed to very nearly bottle it. The Spirit of Wenger’s title throwing away sides apparently still lives on. Arsenal were expected to struggle in midfield this season with the loss of Fabregas, Nasri and the injury sustained to Wilshere. Arsene Wenger though has an endless supply of clone players who are experts at fannying around with the ball in the middle of the pitch while Alex Song makes them look good. What doesn’t work out so well is when Wenger has to start playing them at fullback, or generally when anyone in Arsenal’s back line has to start doing things. Arsenal’s underlying fault this season has remained that they don’t seem to account for what might happen if the other team get the ball. There was a brief spell in the second half of the season where the other team didn’t seem to ever get the ball, but unfortunately you can’t play Tottenham every week.

Verdict – 7/10 The constant over the top criticism and forecasts of failure (mainly from Piers Morgan) have been avoided, though the hopeful predictions of unexpected success and domination (mainly from Piers Morgan) have also failed to materialise. Wenger continues to defy the odds and doubters in a world where he can’t really compete.

Most notable player – Robin Van Persie scores when he wants. Apart from that spell where he couldn’t score at all, but to be fair that barely lasted as long as one of Rooney’s annual sulks.

 

Manchester United – If there was a motto for United’s season, it’d probably be “Out with the old, in with the…old again”. At the start of the season, United blooded a young new team, full of life and energy, and devoid of fear or negativity. One whose first act was to ruthlessly blow Manchester City away inside 45 minutes. Conversely, by the time United faced Manchester City at the end of the season, Paul Scholes had come out of retirement in order to replace himself, out of form and ageing players like Park had been selected purely on the basis that they’ve done this sort of thing before, and there couldn’t have been more negativity in the way United set up and played if they’d put Marvin the Paranoid Android in goal. There’s always been a kind of unwritten rule that to continue being successful at the top, you can never afford to just stand still or stop climbing, and after a commendable effort throughout the season, towards the end United painted the picture of a side who thought they merely had to sit there holding on to what they already had, rather than go out to fight and earn it over again.

Verdict – 8/10 A solid and commendable effort which this time last year would have been enough with a bit to spare. The noisy neighbours have raised the bar to United’s level though, and then been able to raise it that tiny bit more.

Most notable player – Paul Scholes has stuck out for both the right and wrong reasons. Right because his class and experience rescued United’s season. Wrong because this shouldn’t still be happening when he retired before the season actually started.

 

 

Manchester City – It’s taken 1 billion pounds, about 500 new players, some of the most shameless soul selling you’ll ever witness, and for some reason Owen Hargreaves, but City finally got what they were after…and then threw it away again…and then got it back again…then tried to throw it away again…then just about got it back again. It’s hard to know how to sum it up. City have been a bag of nerves and calamity at times, and ruthlessly brilliant at others. The heroic work of players such as Kompany, Hart and Aguero has been annoyingly overshadowed by the sulky figure of Carlos Tevez (to be fair if Tevez gets any larger he’ll block out the sun itself), and the constant, pointless debate about whether Mario Balotelli is “worth the hassle”. Tevez did at least become the first player to score a hatrick whilst never playing for his club again. Balotelli also never played for his club again on several occasions. The idea that a club with City’s resources and talent already on the books couldn’t realistically do without either is frankly laughable.

verdict – 9/10 Accusations about buying the league will be labeled with a degree of merit, but someone still had to win the games on the pitch, and beating Sir Alex Ferguson is never as simple as just throwing money around.

Most notable player – While others were busy playing golf or stamping on opponent’s faces, Vincent Kompany remained a platform of consistent class, and then used his oddly lovable shaped head to finally loosen United’s grip on the crown.

 

 

Apostolos Vellios

Weekend review – the late late, late late, late show

So, after all the buildup and promise of drama, it was inevitable the last day of the season would turn out to be a boring, predictable affair with nothing dramatic at all occurring, wasn’t it? …Shut up. This is what I’ve decided to pretend happened No one can tell me otherwise. Anyway:

 

 

Cultural lessons with Luis – As we all know, Luis Suarez was cruelly victimized by the over zealously enforced etiquette of British culture this season…after a French person from Senegal accused him of being a racist. However, in the aftermath of his unfair punishment, Luis is determined to be the bigger man, and combat the barriers of British ignorance. He will do so by educating. Demonstrating the ways of his own culture (which he made up) so we may all learn and be better, more open-minded people. This week Luis brings to us the following:

The friendship forearm – Unlike here where a forearm smash to the face might be considered an act of aggression or intent to harm, in Suarez’s culture it is by contrast a term of sincere endearment. Much like a particularly enthusiastic hug, or racist taunt.

the karate kick of world peace – Sneakily karate kicking someone as they run off might be considered a cowardly and violent move in our or indeed most cultures, but in doing so, Luis is simply showing his discontent with various world leaders and nations not being able to co-exist in harmony. Being on the receiving end of such a gesture is in reality a huge honour, as Luis believes that you too can help bring about a golden age of peace and prosperity.

the nutmeg of nazi disapprovement – If Luis Suarez nutmegs you, you might think he’s mocking your ability as a footballer. In fact, it means he thinks that you, John Terry, are an extremist nazi sympathiser who should be sent back to Dagenham and left to rot in the gutter. Luis cannot condone extreme nazism as he is a believer in only regular or alternative nazism.

More cultural lessons from Luis will be brought to you as and when he sees fit to better us all with his noble teachings.

 

Cultural lessons with Joe Barton – When Joey Barton goes into some kind of seething mad violent rampage and starts kicking, elbowing and headbutting everyone in sight, it’s not because he’s trying to start a third world war, he’s merely trying to warn you that yes, no matter how much of a twat you think he is, it’s possible for him to become an even bigger one.

 

John Terry, Captain Sabotage – Yep, I’m going after all the fascists this week. Now there’s no doubting John Terry is a very good defender, or that he’s full of this strangely admirable yet horrible determination to just sort of, never go away. When it comes to being a captain of himself, John Terry is, like it or not, a winner. However, why doesn’t anyone in football ever notice just how awful he is at being a captain of others? In his role as captain this season alone he a) tried to sabotage Chelsea’s Champions League campaign, b) during the week, almost single-handedly sabotaged their diminishing chances of finishing 4th , c) Became the first England captain to lead his country to disgrace and get his manager sacked, before the tournament had even started. Notable past achievements also include sleeping with his team mate’s girlfriends, trying to initiate a player mutinee in the middle of a world cup, and costing Chelsea the Champions League by deciding to leave the most important penalty of the night to himself, and then missing it. Am I missing something here? Is football really this stupid?

 

Blackburned – Emotions spilled over from the terraces and onto the pitch on Monday night, literally. Further confirming my suspicions that emotions are mostly just a poor excuse for people to be stupid. First, a chicken was released onto the pitch…someone had obviously planned this, gone to great lengths to tie a Blackburn flag to a chicken, bring it all the way from home, smuggle it into the ground (presumably by wearing it as a wig?) and then sit there with it until kick off. All so they could release it onto the pitch…and then it gets taken away, and nobody cares, and the game carries on. If that wasn’t enough, following the game and Blackburn’s relegation, many fans couldn’t contain their anger, and rushed furiously onto the pitch in order to…walk around pointlessly next to Paul Robinson pretending to be his mate and giving him advice. Blackburn Rovers fans only seem to bother staying until the end of games if its to make some kind of weird demonstration about how much they hate Blackburn Rovers.

 

Transfer rumours – The worst thing about the end of the season isn’t the painful horror of defeat, or a summer spent agonising over it, or even having to endure conversations about mundane subjects like cricket, or the weather for a few months. It’s listening to months of idiots making up stupid rumours about their club signing certain players, and then convincing themselves the rumours must be true, even though they just made them up themselves…and then having to watch via the medium of social media as these people get gradually more agitated and annoyed at their club still not signing said players as the summer progresses, until by the start of the next season, they’ve become frothing mad lunatics, convinced that the future of the universe depends entirely on Wesley Sneijder joining United before the transfer deadline. which he wont and was never going to do, because the whole idea of him doing so was probably conceived by some 16-year-old in Hull called Robert, and had about as much reality attached to it as a time travelling Unicorn with rainbows for feet.

 

The title race – If this was actually a race, surely both of the leading drivers would have been disqualified for dangerous driving, and the winners medal awarded to Newcastle for being the only person in the entire front pack not to at some point try and set fire to their own car (and you know it’s bad when Newcastle are the most sane one of the bunch).

Congratulations are in order for City (despite them technically not leading the race until after everyone else had crossed the finish line). Putting my United hat on for a minute though, I’ve been trying to pin down what made the difference, and found there are two different lines of thought. The first is the excuses. Would United have picked up the 1 extra point required if Vidic had been fit all season? It’s more than likely they would have. How about if THAT penalty hadn’t been awarded to Newcastle at Old Trafford? There’s an almost definite extra two points…but this is all subjective. If United had picked up the extra point or two somewhere along the line, who’s to say they wouldn’t have then squandered them somewhere else?  Then there’s the other side of the coin which comes to mind. For example, all six of United’s games against Spurs, Chelsea and Arsenal, coming conveniently at points when these sides were either in poor form or ravaged by injuries. City on the other hand were confronted by two of Arsenal and Chelsea’s best performances of the season. The conclusion I invariably come to with this is that luck always happens during a season, and the key is usually to overcome it.

So here’s the other line of thought, and where I prefer to see the difference: I look at City and ask “could they have done or wanted it more than they did?” and the answer is probably no. If anything they almost blew it twice over by wanting it a bit too much. Cool heads deserted them at vital times as nerves took over and their performances deteriorated into 90 minute panic festivals, but in the end sheer determination has just about got them there. Then I look at United and ask the same question, and my mind drifts back to the first half of the Everton game, where United responded to having a chance to win the league the same day, by being bafflingly determined to give the impression they couldn’t care less. Then I look at the game at Eastlands the following week, where instead of trying to re-seize the initiative, United backed into a corner, covered up and held out for the bell…and then I look at games like Liverpool at home, where United were in control and could have gone on to win by three or four goals, but instead switched into cruise control. Could United have done or wanted it more? Almost certainly yes, and there’s a difference that over the season is probably just about worth a meagre point or two, and which has nothing to do with luck.

City deserved it, just, and maybe for United, the realisation that there is no top of the mountain to sit on, is exactly what they need after five or six years of medals almost being delivered on a plate. They will, with Ferguson in charge, almost certainly come back determined to be stronger and make fewer mistakes.

 

You’ve Been Valencia’d - This week featuring John O’Shea, who was Valencia’d so badly, it caused him to suffer a season ending injury inside the first half. O’Shea was subsequently replaced by Phil Bardsley, who would later be Valencia’d into a season ending injury.

 

Things that would no longer surprise me about this season – Barcelona winning the Champions League final after Victor Valdes runs onto the pitch and scores a 98th minute winner, which mysteriously UEFA allow to stand; Manchester City nearly throwing away the league title again a further 3 times despite the season already being finished; England to actually do well in the Euros

…ok, so the last one is a bit of a stretch.

 

Awards

Randomly remembered player award – Jay Jay Okocha; Okocha was a key figure at Bolton Wonderers back in around 2003. This was also around the time Sam Allardyce acquired his reputation as a long ball manager…by signing loads of technically gifted players and turning Bolton into a decent footballing side. Okocha was perhaps the most technically gifted of these players, turning Bolton’s pointless drudge through the fixture schedule into a carnival of showboating and needlessly extravagant  backheels. Although this made Bolton no less pointless, it did make them slightly less depressing. Okocha was also a rare victim of anti-racism. Allowed to get away with and be applauded for arrogant showboating due to his perceived coolness, where other, less dreadlocked players would likely have been roundly hated and kicked into early retirement by angry faced defenders. As I don’t currently have access to Wikipedia, I don’t know anything about Okocha other than this.

U-turn award – Match of the Day expertly proclaim Manchester City as “the best team individually and collectively”, less than three weeks after proclaiming Manchester United as “the better team as a collective”

Smalltimery award – Sunderland fans doing the poznan to celebrate their non-existent relevance in the Manchester title race.

A heartfelt plea – To Blackpool and Ian Holloway; please, on behalf of all that is good and decent in this world, beat West Ham in the Play Off final.

Weekend Review – How to fall over and stand still at the same time

A late edition this week, due to most of the football taking place on Sunday (even though I’ve commented on almost none of Sunday’s football);

 

 

Out with the old, in with the old – A word on last Monday night’s derby first off. Manchester United seemed to compound their attempt to spend the season moving by standing still, by selecting a team with more players who would have played in this fixture had it been last season, than would have actually played in this fixture had it been last season. Abandoning strengths and principles to put up a brick wall and try to force Manchester City to stay still with them. City of course just shrugged their shoulders and carried on walking. United very kindly built a doorway into the brick wall for them. Hindsight they say is a wonderful thing, but I can’t have been the only Manchester United fan with a gormless “why have we thrown this game away?” look on their face when the teams were announced before the game had even kicked off. I would congratulate Manchester City on their now almost certain league win, but since there has already been more bottling this season than in a Coca Cola factory, It would seem wise to hold fire.

 

Ji Sung Parker – Was there any part of the game on Monday night during which Ji Sung Park wasn’t in the process of falling over? He was falling over whenever he got the ball. He was falling over whenever he ran after the ball. He even started falling over himself falling over. Overlapping one falling over with the next by accidentally falling himself into a position of falling over, whilst already falling over. An endless display of flailing limbs crumbling seemingly endlessly towards the ground, like some kind of human waterfall, or an accidental version of Robert Pires.

 

Hating Manchester City players – It should be easy by now, what with them all earning more money in a minute than I do in a year, in order to soulessly parade around crushing all of my dreams…and yet, somehow it isn’t. Infuriatingly (yet at the same time not infuriatingly), many of their players are not yet dislikable at all. Fair enough, Tevez makes up for a fair chunk of that single-handedly, but even he’s descended more into a kind of long running fat joke. Plus, he’s got that distantly confused expression of someone who’s too detached from their surroundings and awareness of their own actions to be reasonably held accountable for either, and the best I can come up with other than him is disliking Gareth Barry and James Milner for their extremely generically shaped heads.

 

Know your role – The cynic in me thinks there was no act of media defiance from the FA over Hodgson…and that the half pigeon, half owl creature was only given the England job because Spurs wouldn’t play ball with ‘Arry’s contract compensation. However, the resulting furore has amused me greatly. The journalist reaction to the appointment has been much like a spoilt little child throwing a hissy fit because mummy wont buy them a new toy pram to throw all of their other toys out of. What is it with Journalists and football? None of them seem to understand that they’re job is to describe the picture, not try to pretend they’re part of it, or alter it to their own preference. They use press conferences to try and bully managers. They use their position of responsibility to publish agenda ridden bile or score little man points over petty disputes with people actually involved in the game. They appear on television eating breakfast with Jimmy “the chin” Hill, bickering arrogantly about the significance of their own pieces, as if their opinions exist to shape the world itself. I can’t be the only one who finds all of this revoltingly tiresome and entirely more unprofessional than anything anyone’s pretended Mario Balotelli has done recently.

 

“You don’t mess with Joe Jordan” – I thought we’d heard the last of this line being trotted out every time Jordan’s gargoyled face gets pictured on the Spurs bench, but alas, Sky couldn’t help themselves but to indulge yet again on Wednesday night. Here’s the thing; I don’t care if Joe Jordan is a supposed hard man, since it’s not a school playground, and in any case he’s just some guy who sits on the Tottenham bench. What was he going to do, stare Kevin Davies’s teeth down the back of his throat from 50 yards away? You probably don’t want to mess with the Green Beret fifth elite regiment either…but what’s it got to do with anything? Who cares? Apparently Gattuso “came off worse” the last time too…so an incident where Gattuso and Jordan shouted at and pushed each other a bit, has over time already evolved into Gatusso being handed some kind of brutally violent beat down by the legend of Joe Jordan. Don’t mess.

 

Earnshaw’s annual play-off appearance – Since the dawn of footballing time (well, since 1987) there has existed the football League play-offs, and since the dawn off the football league play-offs, there has existed the golden rule, that at some point during the football league play-offs, Robert Earnshaw will appear as a late substitute in place of someone he should have started the game ahead of in the first place.

 

The enforced romance of the FA Cup – Here’s the thing, if you decide to de-value the FA cup by scheduling it on a League fixture day, you can’t then claim the lost sense of significance back by moving all except one of the league games to the next day. All that does is make it a crap league fixture day…and since when did it become so important nothing clashes with the 3PM kick off of the FA cup final, that even the FA cup final isn’t allowed to kick off until after it technically should have finished? You’ve a hard enough job on your hands making an occasion appealing when Didier Drogba is genuinely the most likable character involved in the whole affair.

 

The premature failure of goal line technology – Almost before Andy Carroll’s header had even been clawed away by Peter Cech’s fingertips, the inevitable renewed calls for goal line technology had begun. Clive Tyldesley could barely wait to whip out the “when will the authorities learn” card. This shameless monologue from ITV continued after the game. Shameless because despite their TV coverage coming complete with all the goal line technology their hearts could desire, the best method they could come up with to determine if the ball had crossed the line, was to go around asking all the players. Is this what the video ref would have done then?

 

Luis Suarez – Why did the one man culture think he was going to change the linesman’s mind about whether to award a goal by running up and repeatedly shouting the word “one!” at him? Is this another cultural thing? Does the term “one” mean “that was a goal you useless twat” in Uruguay?

 

 

Awards! -

 

Energizer Bunny award – Ashley Young

Extremely unbiased commentary award – Niall Quinn

Randomly remembered player award – Francis Jeffers. Jeffers (a striker, apparently) is one of only three players to have been involved in a transfer to or from Everton in the last 20 years. He left them to join Arsenal in 2001. He probably wishes he hadn’t, as this coincided with it becoming apparent how useless he was. A thoroughly dislikable individual, the most memorable moment about Jeffers spell at Arsenal was when Peter Ozgood remarked that someone should break his legs. Should someone have actually broken his legs, it would arguably have improved him as a player. Jeffers now spends his time playing for Newcastle United. No, not that Newcastle United, the other much more rubbish one, in Australia.